As many of you know, I go out of my way to avoid politics on my blog… I mean, not counting the John McCain Victory Speech Drinking Game I invented, or the post I made about how stupid Conservapedia is, or the video I posted of Mitt Romney acting like a douchebag, or my very first blog post… but sometimes I feel that I have no choice but to bring to light a travesty that simply cannot be tolerated in this free and open society in which we live. Namely, the glorification of pantless demigods in the Watchmen movie.
For those that haven’t seen the film yet, it explores an alternate America, circa 1985, populated by masked vigilantes under siege by still-President Richard Nixon and that guy from that Mandy Moore movie I watched that one time because it was on HBO but totally sucked because it was 2 o’clock in the morning and for $15 a month I expect to see some tits on HBO at 2 o’clock in the morning and that stupid movie had NONE.
Central to the story is the character Dr. Manhattan, the victim of a freak accident that grants him the ability to transcend time, space, matter, energy, and pants. Yeah, that’s right, the man has no pants. And I don’t mean pants in the literal, ankle-covering slacks sort of way. Nay, I am referring to the the greater pant species: the overarching category of leg coverings that includes jeans, chinos, overalls, shorts, MC Hammer parachute pants, sweat pants, pantaloons, pajamas, gauchos, hotpants, capris, tighty whiteys, tongs, and fancy pants.
— A sanitized image of Dr. Manhattan. In the movie his junk is all over the place.
Now you might be thinking, “What the hell’s your problem, you square?” That is not an unreasonable response. After all, I am myself a strong supporter of the sans-pants lifestyle. However, the problem in Watchmen is that Dr. Manhattan is depicted as a god. While it’s perfectly reasonable for you or I to fly wang-free in the privacy of our own homes, gods are held to a higher standard. They are pillars of the community, role models to children, and, as in the case of Zeus, occasionally horny poultry. If our gods stop wearing pants, what does that say about us as a people? What does that say about the foundation of our faith? That it just hangs out there like a pair of glowing blue balls? Swaying back and forth as we walk, and occasionally getting caught on errant door handles?
In Dr. Manhattan’s defense, he does from time to time put on a suit to do interviews and attend funerals, and he also sports a pretty powerful thongs for killing the Vietnamese, but these occassional rendezvous with good taste do not negate the the general schlongitude of Dr. Manhattan in the film.
But no, we as a people cannot stand for pantless false idols to be shown theatrically. We must protect the children from Dr. Manhattan’s unclothed ding-dong, by any means necessary that doesn’t require me to put pants on. So, as a concerned citizen, I have created a petition for you to voice your support of this noble and important cause. Please visit the Dr. Manhattan Needs Pants Petition and voice your righteous indignation about Dr. Manhattan’s pantlessness. If Dr. Manhattan is supposed to be soooooo god-like, then he’s going to have to start acting like a god and put on some goddamn pants.
Thank you,
Nima