There sat the Morgolax, the most hideous beast ever to be birthed on this world or any other. A monster so ancient and so vile that only the Forbidden Scrolls of the Ru N’Dah dared to speak of it. Born of the blasphemous union between an ice giant and a slime dragon, the Morgolax’s terrifying form reflected the most gruesome characteristics of its unholy parentage. Slime gushed from the sunken pores of its spine-covered hairless head, dripping down its grotesque face to the long, spindly tentacles that covered, its mouth of jagged, rotted fangs. Its face-tentacles fluttered as it breathed, raining droplets of slime all around him. Its eyes – four blood-shot yellow orbs held in two thin sockets – darted about, scanning, plotting unmentionable horrors. His boney chest heaved with each breath, stretching his green sore-covered skin, which hanged off his jagged bones like moldy sliced ham hanging on a wire clothes hanger. His razor sharp claws dug deep into the wood in front of him as his eyes fell upon the mighty visage of Thor, God of Thunder and Champion of Asgard, standing in the doorway, hammer by his side, sun gleaming off his armored helmet, red cape flowing triumphantly in the summer breeze.
“What is Thor doing at the Olive Garden?” asked the Morgolax, quite perplexed.
Thor approached the Morgolax’s table with his usual swagger.
“Oh, Morgolax, funny seeing you here. I’m here for a hot date,” said Thor with a remarkably fake smile.
“The Morgolax is here for a hot date, too.”
“You don’t say.”
“The Morgolax does say.” The Morgolax paused for a moment, possibly as a result of his heightened demonic senses detecting an odd aura about Thor, or maybe because it knew Thor was kind of a dick and therefore probably up to no good, and then asked, “What is Thor’s hot date’s name?”
Thor’s smile broadened, devilishly.
“Jenny!” Thor gleefully called out as Jenny, an exquisite blonde beauty, rounded the corner on her way to the Morgolax’s table.
“Hi, Thor,” she said, very much surprised to see Thor standing there. “I thought our date was for tomorrow night.”
“Oh, it is, but I was just in the neighborhood and I thought I’d stop in for a quick bite. I had no idea you’d be here. No idea at all.”
“Well, I’m actually sort of here with my friend, the Morgolax.”
Thor pulled out a chair across from the Morgolax and immediately slid onto it.
“Why, yes, I’d love to join you,” said Thor.
The Morgolax’s tentacles fluttered with indignation.
Jenny sat down on the side of the table between Thor and the Morgolax.
“Do you two know each other?” she asked.
“No,” replied Thor.
“The Morgolax is meeting Thor for the first time,” added the Morgolax.
“Riiiiiiiggggghhhhhhtttttt,” she replied.
“Did Jenny’s visit to the bathroom go OK?” asked the Morgolax with absolute sincerity.
“Oh my gosh, there was this woman in the bathroom who had the cutest little dog stuffed into her purse. It was so adorable. It just melted my heart.”
“The Morgolax is a cat person,” said the Morgolax, “because puppies like to chew on the Morgolax’s tentacles.”
“Awww…” she bemoaned girlishly.
“I like pussy too,” Thor interjected.
“What?” Jenny asked, fortunately not completely hearing what Thor had said.
“I’m a pet owner myself,” Thor continued.
“Really?” said Jenny.
“Yes. I have two magic flying goats, Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr. They faithfully drive my magic golden chariot.”
“Wow,” Jenny’s eye’s lit up. “Not a lot of people with pet goats these days.”
“I know. Fortune smiles upon me, though,” Thor said proudly, “for when I get hungry I need only slaughter them and feast on their meat and bones. You know, when an Olive Garden isn’t close by.”
Jenny’s face went flush with horror and disgust.
“That’s horrible,” she cried out uncontrollably.
“Nah, it’s cool,” Thor reassured her, “they don’t mind. I mean, yeah, they scream in pain and terror when I do it, but I just resurrect them the next day with my awesome magic hammer and it’s all good. I’ve done it, like, a hundred times; they’re used to it.”
“I’m a vegetarian,” asserted Jenny.
“The Morgolax is also a vegetarian,” the Morgolax quickly added.
“Really?” said Thor. “I think I read in the Forbidden Scrolls of the Ru N’dah that you ate baby brains.”
“No,” the Morgolax furiously countered. “The Forbidden Scrolls of the Ru N’dah were mistranslated.”
The Morgolax turned to Jenny, gently touching its chest where its heart would be if the Morgolax had a normal human heart (the Morgolax does not).
“I like zucchini,” the Morgolax said softly.
Jenny’s heart melted, her demeanor softened, and she relaxed, finding comfort in their mutual vegetarianism.
“You know what zucchini reminds me of?” said Thor, raising an eyebrow and allowing for a dramatic pause. “My impressive pectoral muscles.”
Thor then proceeded to flex his chest muscles, causing them to bounce up and down, rhythmically, hypnotically drawing Jenny in, locking her eyes on his jiggling man-god-boobs.
Suddenly, Jenny’s cell phone rang, breaking her trance with an unnecessary, though welcome, Carrie Underwood ringtone. She pulled the phone out of her purse and checked the screen.
“It’s my sister. I’ve got to take this,” she said, getting up from the table. She headed towards the door to take the phone call outside, like an decent person getting a cell phone call in a restaurant would do, and leaving Thor and the Morgolax alone together.
“Why is Thor such a cock-block?!” the Morgolax demanded to know.
“I saw her first. She is mine, guy-slimey.”
“Thor’s random reference to a Seasame Street character as a play on the Morgolax’s appearance is lame, and the Morgolax met Jenny last Thursday at the park.”
“I met her on Wednesday at the coffee shop.”
“Thor lies!”
“Your face lies.”
“The Morgolax warns: if it is war Thor wants, it is war that Thor shall get.”
“Yeah, well, good luck winning the war with a piece of bruschetta stuck in your tentacles.”
“Meep!” The Morgolax grabbed its napkin and covered its face as it felt for the remnant of his bruschetta appetizer stuck under one of its face-tentacles.
Jenny returned from her phone call. The Morgolax tossed down its napkin and rose to greet her. It reached for her chair, but Thor was already on it like lightning.
“Here, let me,” said Thor with a smile.
“No, let the Morgolax,” the Morgolax said, grabbing hold of the chair.
The two struggled for a bit, until Thor wrested the chair away and allowed Jenny to be seated.
“Are you sure you guys don’t know each other?” Jenny asked, very, very suspicious.
Yes,” both suitors replied as they took their seats.
“Thor was just telling the Morgolax about his son…”
“Oh, you have a son?” Jenny asked Thor.
“Yes, yes, little Magni,” said Thor with great affection.
“Please remind the Morgolax: is Magni’s mother the wife Thor married in Vegas and then divorced, the wife Thor called the wrong name their wedding and then divorced, or the wife Thor turned into a lesbian and then divorced? The Morgolax forgets.”
A spark of lightning flickered across Thor’s furious brow. His eye’s narrowed, burning with rage, focusing squarely on his adversary.
“Ummm… how many times have you been married, Thor?” Jenny asked.
“A couple,” Thor replied decisively.
The Morgolax’s tentacles fluttered with delight.
“Morgolax,” said Thor, “why don’t you tell Jenny that really funny story you told me about that one time you accidentally locked yourself into an entertainment cabinet while your apartment was being robbed. That was a hoot!”
The Morgolax’s talon dug deep into the Olive Garden’s table.
“How do you lock yourself into an entertainment cabinet?” Jenny asked the Morgolax.
“The Morgolax has a question: has Thor ever been trapped in a pair of Thor’s own leather pants?” the Morgolax asked.
“Have you ever been caught pretending to own a Porsche made of cardboard boxes?” said Thor.
“Has Thor ever been ordered to take anger management classes because Thor got into an altercation with Thor’s boss over a sandwich?” said the Morgolax.
“You look familiar, Morgolax, have you ever been in an advertisement for gonorrhea?” countered Thor.
“It was VD!” cried the Morgolax.
“Say what now?” Jenny muttered, to the attention of no one.
“Has Thor ever lived with a monkey?” the Morgolax yelled.
“Have you ever been Al Pachino’s butt double?” Thor shot back.
“Yes, it was around the time Thor cheated on Thor’s girlfriend with the girl at the copy place.”
“We were on a break!” Thor thundered, raising his mighty hammer to strike.
The Morgolax left to its feet, talon fully outstretched to attack.
They then noticed that Jenny’s seat was completely empty, her things nowhere to be found. She was long gone.
“Oops,” said the Morgolax.
“Bummer,” added Thor.
They sat down, defeated.
“When does Thor think we lost Jenny?” the Morgolax asked.
“Probably around gonorrhea,” Thor posited.
“Too bad, the Morgolax was totally hoping to get laid.”
“I hear that.”
The Morgolax sighed. Thor put aside his hammer and reached over to pick up Jenny’s menu.
“Hey, you want to go halfsies on a ‘tour of Italy’?” Thor asked.
“Yes, the Morgolax would.”
So about a week ago Apple announced that they were releasing an update to the much loved 
