As some might know I’m a fan of the new hit NBC drama Heroes. It’s filled with people given mysterious super powers by a mysterious force for some mysterious reason, and who subsequently use those super powers to walk around a lot or chase after an underage cheerleader. Good stuff.

But that got me thinking about the everyday heroes that are around us. The men and women who each day make the world just a little bit better for the rest of us. I’ve decided to compile a list of the people I think of when I hear the word hero. These are the people who inspire me to be a better person, which is hard to do because I’m already so freakin’ awesome. Yeah, you know it. Here’s my top 5 heroes, in ascending order of ass-smashing heroism….

1. Richard Dreyfuss

The Drey-man shows how it’s done.

Richard Dreyfuss represents everything that’s great about Hollywood. He’s one of the finest actors who isn’t Liam Neeson or Rick Moranis, having some of the greatest films under his glorious filmic belt. In Moon Over Parador he plays an actor playing a dictator, that’s like acting squared. He plays a therapist tormented by an insane Bill Murray in What About Bob?. And in the film Nuts he had to put up with that bitch Barbara Streisand. The fact that he didn’t kick her in her nuts shows just how much self-control he has, which is to say a great deal more than me, which is to say that I would totally kick Barbara Streisand in the nuts if I had to do a film with her, which is to say that I’m a fine actor who’d be willing to work with Barbara Streisand, which is to say that I’m a whore. And that’s just scratching the surface — there’s also Jaws, Close Encounters, Stakeout, and some crappy movie with Bette Midler and Nick Nolte back when people knew who Bette Midler and Nick Nolte were. The man is a living legend, and I’m sure if ever we needed a replacement for Freddie Prinze Jr., The ‘Fuss would step right up.

2. Lincoln Hawk from Over the Top

It’d probably be easier to arm wrestle if he wasn’t lathered up in baby oil, but that’s just not how he be.

How could you not love a working class truck driver who enters into an amateur arm-wrestling competition by use of a specialty hand-grip that’s of questionable legality to win a truck and possibly the respect of his estranged son who was raised by his arrogant elitist grandfather played by Robert Loggia who conspired to keep them apart in 1987? I mean, it’s like he’s arm-wrestling to win Optimus friggin’ Prime. Lincoln Hawk also taught me that if I start wearing a baseball cap and then turn it around on my head that it’s like a switch and that I could then beat a burly guy who’s twice my size and literally eating lit cigars. It didn’t quite work out that way when I tried it, but then again I didn’t have a totally awesome Kenny Loggins theme song to power me, or a specialty hand-grip of questionable legality.

3. Mayor McCheese

“I rule all you bitches!” – Mayor McCheese addressing the burn ward of the Ronald McDonald Children’s Hospital

No story is more inspirational than the triumphant rise of Mayor McCheese to the highest office in the shimmering metropolis that is McDonaldland. Mayor McCheese is the true definition of a public servant, facing the daily problems of the city. Ketchup shortages, the accidental mixing up of sodas in the fountain drinks which results in me getting Dr. fucking Pepper instead of the Mountain Dew I wanted, rampant Fry-Guy prostitution, and the ever-looming danger of the Hamburglar. Oh how we fear the Hamburglar. And keep in mind that Mayor McCheese has little help in dealing with these threats, what with Ronald McDonald’s (alledged) $900 a day coke habit (I mean the drink, not the drug… seriously, how else would you explain the perpetual sugar high that cheerful asshole is in?), and having only the morbidly obese and slightly mentally retarded Grimace for an assistant. I look to Mayor McCheese and I see that anyone can achieve their dreams, even if you have the deliciously horrifying physical deformity of a giant cheeseburger for a head. God bless America.

4. The Giant Red Novelty Cock at TGI Fridays

It’s been found that nearly 10% of men do not fear the Giant Red Novelty Cock, and even have the courage to jump on and ride it.

The Giant Red Novelty Cock is the official guardian of the ladies restroom at the TGI Friday’s by my house. Ever-erect, the Giant Red Novelty Cock strikes fear and awe into all that behold it’s powerful pecker and grandiose girth, ensuring that no one dares to leave the toilet without washing their hands, lest they face the Giant Red Novelty Cock’s throbbing wrath. A towering inferno of pure testosterone, the Giant Red Novelty Cock’s authority is absolute even amongst the TGI Friday’s staff. Merely speak of the cock to the waitresses and you’ll be met with a look of horror and disgust. So feared is the Giant Red Novelty Cock that you may even find yourself forcefully removed from the premises by a law enforcement officer before you’ve finished your potato skin platter. That is the true power of the Giant Red Novelty Cock.

5. Dr. Lawrence T. Goldfinger

The “T.” stands for “tender”.

Scientist, musician, calligrapher, chef, skateboarder, asynchronous swimmer, father, husband, impressionist (the comedic kind, not the painting kind), impressionist painter, martial arts aficionado, cook, blogger, homeowner, breadmaker, wallet enthusiast. Larry is a God amongst men. Compared to him the rest of the human race are ants just waiting to be squashed under his gigantic thumb of excellence. He could devour a thousand suns and still not have his tremendous appetite satiated. Just one look at him and you’ll be overcome by the righteous fury that burns in his eyes. It’s the kind of passion you might find in an Irish guy, or possibly a Klingon, but to find it in a 5′5” clarinet playing Jewish dude who’s into science makes it all the more awe-inspiring. Larry isn’t simply a person, he’s a life coach. There is so much he’s taught me, and yet so much I still have to learn. True story: I once saw Larry punch a cow in the face. I asked him why he did it and he turned to me, pulled off his Ray-Ban sunglasses, and said, “Nima, that cow just wasn’t beefy enough.” How deep is that?! It’s like a metaphor for my entire frickin’ life. Then he treated me to crab wontons at P.F. Chang’s. So awesome.