Nima Yousefi's Equinox of Insanity

Thor in ‘08

Watching Fox News recently I’ve come to realize that the Republicans are screwed. The Democrats already have three red-hot contenders for President, and they’re already paving forward with domestic issues of importance to the American people. What do the Republicans have to offer? An aging anti-torture sissy (McCain), a balding pro-abortion philanderer (Guliani), and some dipshit named Mitt. At this point the Republicans are hoping Newt Gingrich throws his hat in, you know, in spite of being shamed out of the House for sucking so bad. Yeah, that’s the guy who’s going to bring back GOP glory. A dude named Newt.

Thor, the god of thunder, future President of these United States.

Like I said, they’re pretty much screwed. But it doesn’t have to be that way. No, the Republicans have but one chance to not only maintain control of the Presidency, but to have the kind of leadership that this country hasn’t seen since the days of Rutherford B. Hayes. It is to that end that I nominate Thor, the Norse god of thunder, as the GOP candidate for the 2008 Presidential election.

Thor is immensely attractive to the right-wing cultural conservative base of the GOP. I defy you to find an older white guy than Thor. He’s literally thousands of years old, and you don’t get whiter than the Scandinavians, unless you count albinos, which are simply too creepy to be elected to public office. But most importantly, Thor embodies many of the values and ideals of the fringe neo-cons. Though deeply religious (he is a god after all) he’s also ridiculously violent, even by Viking standards. He’s constantly picking fights with ice giants, trolls, and dragons and shit. Have you ever seen an ice troll? They’re twelve feet tall and covered in hair. Compared to them, the smaller and slightly more hairy Islamic fundamentalists of Al Qaeda will be child’s play. He defended Asgard for thousands of years, so you can be damn sure he’s going to defend the U.S. of A. and it’s financial interests in the third world.

If he’s tough enough to sucker-punch Thanos the mad titan just imagine what he’ll do to Nancy Pelosi and her San Francisco values!

Thor will also clean up Congress and restore the dignity and honor of the Republican party. First, stop laughing. Second, how will he do that? By putting a stop to the scandals that have plagued the party. Never in the history of the Republican party has there been a more ethical person. Seriously. Never. When his brother Loki cheated a dwarf in a deal and refused to pay him Thor was the one who chased Loki down and made him pay up. And you remember what it was Loki had bet? His freakin’ head. Do you think the Foley or the DeLay or Abramoff or Scooter Libby or Chuck McGee or Nick Smith or any of the other myriad scandals would have happened if there was a policy of decapitation-by-dwarf in effect? Hell no. And really, that’s how the founding fathers envisioned our political system.

Adding to Thor’s attractiveness as a candidate is his good old-fashioned family values. He’s got a pretty blonde wife, a young daughter, and like many families in America he’s raising a stepson. Wow, what a guy, right? And unlike Rudy Guliani, Thor has enough class to keep his mistresses hidden from the public eye, which given the fact that he tends to fool around with ogres is a pretty impressive feat.

Like many cultural conservatives, he believes in a culture of life, so long as the life in question doesn’t belong to a criminal or an enemy of the state or a foreigner or a liberal or someone who’s just looking at him all queer, and while there’s a good chance Thor might eat a baby after it’s born, he for sure doesn’t support the abortion of a defenseless fetal baby. That’s just wrong and Thor will put a stop to it… probably through the use of violence. Double win for the religious right!

Best of all, as a candidate Thor is uniquely capable of stealing the thunder (ha!) away from the Democrats this election. The people want a President that cares about the environment? Well, you can’t get any more in tuned with the weather than a thunder god. While Al Gore runs his stupid slideshow movies about the weather Thor is out there getting his hands wet with Mother Nature. And while sure, he’s probably not going to do very well in Louisiana, what with the close political ties to Freyr the god of rain, let’s be honest, the Republicans were probably not going to do well in Louisiana anyway.

Not only that, but he’ll also help lead the way towards energy independence. Rather than fly around on Airforce-1 and what not, he’ll just travel around on his magic flying chariot driven by his two pet goats, Tanngrisnir and Tanngnjóstr. That would make him the first and only candidate with a goat-based alternative energy policy. Leading by example, that’s the Thor way.

In terms of threats on the Democrat side, there are three major contenders right now: Hillary Clinton (the favorite), Barack Obama (the rock star), and John Edwards (the requisite douche). Best case scenario is John Edwards getting the nomination, making for an easy win for Thor, because, you know, John Edwards is a pretty gigantic douchebag. Barack Obama would be pose a significantly greater threat in a head to head Presidential election, but I’m confident that Thor would beat him. According to an article published by USA Today Obama is 6′2” and weighs 180 lbs, while Thor, according to the Marvel Series II trading card I have tucked between the pages of my diary, is 6′6” and weighs 640 lbs. And make no mistake, that’s mostly muscle. More importantly, the trading card indicates that Thor’s strength is level 7, which, when cross-referenced against the power ratings trading card, indicates that he’s able to lift over 100 tons. That’s like four Buick LeSabres! How many do you think puny Obama can lift? One, maybe two at the most? Yeah, in your face Obama.

And if that wasn’t enough the guy’s name rhymes with “Osama”. Seriously, am I the only one that’s noticed that?

Yeah, well, at least he’ll be smarter than the last guy.

Yes, the hammer dangling there is symbolic.

Then there’s the Hillary factor. Namely, the fact that she’s a woman and therefore more likely to get the female vote. Thor solves that problem for the Republicans as well. For you see, the only thing chicks dig more than supporting other chicks is a hot blond guy with big shaven pecs and a cape. It’s a proven fact. And just look at him. Thor will probably score the gay vote too.

You might be wondering, “Is it really possible for a pagan to get elected to office?” The answer is yes, it is, as evidenced by Jimmy Carter. However if you’re still concerned with appealing to the Christian fanatic portion of the Republican party, you needn’t worry. While Thor might not be a Christian, he does carry around a hammer, which is sort of like being a carpenter, which basically makes his Jesus. Only with bigger triceps and not so love-thy-neighbor-y, which is totally more American. And worse case scenario, we just remind the Pat Robertsons of the country that it’s either Thor or Hillary. When faced with a choice between a pagan and an educated woman, I think I know which directly they will lean.

There is, of course, the key issue we haven’t addressed yet. Namely, that Thor is ineligible to run for President because he wasn’t born in the U.S.

Or was he…?

No, he wasn’t.

And that’s why the GOP need to rally around Thor right now! In the next 22 months before the next Presidential election the Republican minority in Congress needs to introduce a Constitutional amendment that will allow non-citizens to run for President, which must then be ratified by the States, to allow Thor to run. Actually, I guess he needs time to campaign and tour the country on his goat drawn chariot and stuff, so the Republicans really only have around 10 months to do all that. Oh yeah, and they should probably do something about Iraq before then too, cause not even Thor can fix that shit.

So there you have it. Thor for President. He’ll have the leftist liberal media crapping their collective secular-progressive pants.

Display this proudly for all to see.