The court says I need to do some public service for that thing that I did, so I’ve decided to combine my propensity for movie watching with my unreputable opinion to provide some movie reviews for you. They’re short, to the point, and, like everything I do, completely objective and fair. Enjoy.
The Covenant
A movie about a bunch of spoiled rich teenage man-witches who can’t keep their shirts on to save their lives who get into lame man-witch fights with each other over their lame man-witch powers directed by the asshole that made Cutthroat Island. Watching this movie made me 6% gay.
Snakes on a Plane
It’s basically Passenger 57 but with Sam Jackson instead of Wesley Snipes and with snakes instead of terrorists. So it’s basically better than Passenger 57 in every conceivable way.
For Your Consideration
This is the worst fucking movie ever. Imagine a giant robot with egg beaters for hands doing dental work on you without any anesthesia. This would be the movie that giant robot dentist masturbates to.
200 Cigarettes
Paul Rudd is the poor man’s Delroy Lindo. Which makes him still totally friggin’ awesome!
Wow, this movie is all kinds of awesome. It’s got Paul Rudd, Courtney Love, Christina Ricci (pre-anorexia), 2 Afflecks, the chick who broke Adam Sandler’s heart in The Wedding Singer, Kate Hudson, and a totally random appearance by Elvis Costello. Plus, it’s set in the 80s so there’s a constant hum of ridiculously badass 80s pop tunes, with a completely unexpected, though greatly appreciated, live performance by Girls Against Boys.
Demolition Man
Tied to the tracks and the train’s fast coming, Strapped to the wing with the engine running, You say that this wasn’t in your plan, And don’t mess around with the demolition man.
FUCK YEAH!
Over the Top
This film is the template I’ve modeled my own life after.
Four Rooms
Two of those rooms are bathrooms. That is to say, filled with shit.
Little Miss Sunshine
Is this the same chick from that Blind Melon video from the 90s? Where do they keep finding these chubby glasses-wearing girls in colorful outfits? Not that I’m looking….
Syriana
The best thing about Syriana is this guy from Star Trek: Deep Space Nine.
Hey George Clooney, if you’re going to make a deep and meaningful movie to help educate the public about corruption in our government how about you make it just a teeny bit easier to understand. I felt like I needed a fucking diagram to keep all the plotlines straight.
Good Night and Good Luck
Hey George Clooney, if you’re going to make a deep and meaningful movie to help educate the public about corruption in our government how about you make it not so fucking boring. He’s saying “goodnight” because anyone who’s still awake after listening to him talk is on their way to bed anyway. I thought this was going to be about Murrow fighting McCarthy, but all it was is Murrow talking shit about McCarthy and McCarthy being a douche bag. Hell, I can beat up on a dumb-ass who’s too dumb to defend himself too. And I do. Every day. Gary1.
Crank
Half way through the movie Jason Statham has sex with Amy Smart in the middle of Chinatown. That’s the slow point of the movie.
Total ass-smashing nonstop action from start to finish. ASS-SMASHING I say!
Beerfest
You know how Dodgeball is like an awesome underdog story that’s both hilarious and inspiration at the same time? Well Beerfest is like leukemia.
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Rick Bobby
Not as good as Anchorman, better than that fucking soccer movie.
The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou
I love The Royal Tenenbaums. Go watch that movie instead of this blistering pile of crap.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift
Not as fast as the original, but definitely more furious. Could have used more sexy naked Asian girls, though.
Lucky Number Slevin
This is a movie that tries so hard to be smart and complex and brilliant that you can literally see the filmmakers crossing their fingers in hope that the audience is retarded. I’m not retarded, and this movie is stupid. Morgan Freeman and Ben Kingsley deserve to have their SAG cards taken away for doing shit like this.
Clerks 2
For shame, Kevin Smith, for shame. Grow some balls and make a real movie. Like Mallrats.
Smokin’ Aces
Given how slow and lethargic this movie was I’m not at all surprised they were smokin’.
The Prestige
Dr. Lawrence T. Goldfinger recommended this movie to me. ‘Nuff said!
- If you don’t know who “Gary” is don’t worry about it↩
This NEEDS to become a monthly piece on your blog!
You are sooo emo
Down to 6%, huh? Last week you were at 21% in the polls.