People I Want to HADOUKEN!

hadouken \ha-DOUGH-ken\, noun

A mystical fireball formed by focusing all of one’s chi, or life-force, through their hands that is then propelled at an enemy. Usually accompanied by the yelling of the phrase “hadouken” to intimidate your opponent, and to make you look hella cool.¹

1. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, President of the Islamic Republic of Iran

It doesn’t really bother me that this guy’s a holocaust denier, or that he’s trying to make nuclear bombs, or that he’s kidnapping British soldiers and holding them hostage, or that he might even be a terrorist himself. You know me I don’t judge people. But would it kill you put on a tie once in a while? I mean, you’re representing the people of Iran for Christ sake, putting on fancy pants should be part of your job. Maybe shave your neck before going to the U.N.. You know stuff like that. Between this guy and that fairy Xerxes from the movie “300″ I’m almost ashamed to call myself Persian. Luckily our music videos make up for it.

On a side note, in high school I knew a guy named Mahmoud who told everyone to call him “Mike”. That guy was a total douche. I’m not saying there’s a correlation or anything, but there probably is.

Total Hadoukens: 2

2. Ronald D. Moore, Creator and Producer of the new “Battlestar Galactica”

“The Final Five”?! What the hell is wrong with you? I’ve invested 53 episodes of television and a 2 hour four-part miniseries and I deserve better than a MacGuffin Bob Dylan song and a character rising from the frickin’ dead out of nowhere. Your biggest concern shouldn’t be suspension of my disbelief, it should be suspension of my rage!

And the douche bag still hasn’t released a podcast for the finale. Is it really that hard for you to spend 40 minutes of your life to tell us how (or why) you’re ruining television? What are you all out of scotch and smokes? I’ll give you something you can smoke!

Total Hadoukens: 3

3. Robert Scoble, blogger

Robert Scoble is one of the most high profile bloggers on the internet, mostly as a result of his being a former technology evangelist for Microsoft during the many years of the Longhorn/Vista debacle. That’s a hadouken right there.

Want to find his blog with Google? Just search for “Robert Scoble”. What comes up on top? Not his blog! That’s his old blog, which, for whatever reason, has no automatic redirect to his new blog. OK, so web tech is a little more complicated and maybe there’s a legitimate reason why you can’t do an automatic redirect, but can’t you get Google to just move your current blog to the top where it belongs? I find it incredibly difficult to believe you can’t just pick up the phone and call them up, or at the very least mention it in passing before or after they’re introducing you to the Google chef when you’re visiting their friggin’ offices.

But what I love about Scoble, and the reason I read his blog, is that there’s no telling what batshit crazy nonsense he’ll write about. Think Equinox of Insanity, but without the equinox. Case in point, when discussing the high prices of the new video game consoles he wrote:

Let me tell you how it works in the US of A. You walk into Best Buy. Ask for a credit application. Fill it out. They approve you for $10,000 on the spot (as long as you’ve paid all your credit card bills on time). You head over to the big screen department, pick out your $4,000 big screen and your $600 Playstation 3, and a $500 HD-DVD drive. Then you pay something like $140 per month in payments.

Isn’t $140 per month perhaps slightly more than an insignificant amount? Nope.

Now, how much is that? Well, a movie, hotdog, and Coke, for four people will cost you about $60. So, for two movies with your family you can afford a kick ass bigscreen and gaming system.

The image of a family of four (mom, dad, son, daughter) at the movies together each with a Coke in one hand and a hot dog in the other is probably the most beautiful thing ever. It’s like a Rockwell painting, only hyper-consumerist.²

In his defense, his wife, Maryam, is Persian, and we Persians can be difficult to live with. Hell, I have a tough time living with myself (I’m emotionally unavailable). So I’ll cut him a little slack for that.

Total Hadoukens: 1

4. Michael Bay, Director

Dear Michael Bay,

Please stop shitting on my childhood.

Optimus Prime looks like this:

Megatron looks like this:

Got it?!

Thanks,

Nima

Total Hadoukens: 3

5. General RAAM, Supreme Commander of the Locust

This guy is a dick. He’s the final boss of the Xbox 360 game Gears of War, and he’s a pain in the ass to fight. The guy is surrounded by these bat things and he carries around a Troica. I have no idea what a Troica is, but it eats health like a mo-fo. And to make matters worse your partner in the game, Domingo Sanchez or whatever the hell he’s called, is absolutely useless against RAAM. Seriously Dom, do you really think running up to him and trying to shot him in the head while all those bat things around flying around him is really going to work? Moron.

Total Hadoukens: 1

6. Steve Jobs, CEO of Apple

$599 for an iPhone? I can’t afford that. But it’s so shiny and pretty. Damn!

Gimme an iPhone!

Total Hadoukens: 2

7. Tom

Tom created MySpace. He deserves five hadoukens just for that. Though, MySpace does have some entertainment value, as its allowed me to observe that most of the losers I went to high school with are still BFF with the other losers I went to high school with. I guess that’s worth a couple hadoukens off.

Total Hadoukens: 3

8. Enya, New Age Vocalist Chick

What the hell is the song “Orinoco Flow” about? Is it about menstruation? I hate you.

Total Hadoukens: 4