In 2001 Apple entered the retail market with the Apple Store, a one stop shopping mecca of all things shiny and geekily delicious. What began with two stores, in Glendale California and McLean Virginia, has since become an international phenomenon. Apple Stores are eagerly awaited, and are greeted with the kind of fanfare that is generally more typical of a blockbuster movie premiere, except with slightly fewer stupid pirate costumes.
These Apple Stores have defined themselves by their amazingly minimalist design aesthetic. They’re as beautiful as a retail store could be, and just as functional. Helpful nerds in t-shirts and sandals would help answer your questions and get you the information you needed. The products were laid out in a well organized manner that made it easy to find what you wanted. They were a pleasure to shop at.
That is, up until last week when I went to the my local Apple Store to buy a pair of headphones. I walk in and the first thing I notice is that they’ve changed the layout of the store. Word on the street was that they were going to be remodeling so I wasn’t all that shocked. I figured the headphones would be in the back, and sure enough they were. I grab the headphones I wanted and turned to my left.
NERDS!!!!!
That’s the Genius Bar, where people can line up and ask questions, like “Do I need to plug the iPod into the computer to download songs to it?”, and Apple Geniuses, dudes with rudimentary computer skills, can provide them with answers.
Well, I didn’t need that. So I turned to my left again.
Two things not indigenous to an Apple Store: video games and someone who actually knows anything about computers.
That’s the great wall of software. All kinds of Mac programs. Like Photoshop. And Photoshop Elements.
That doesn’t help me much, so I turn to my left again.
I should have just walked my ass out of there.
That’s where I came in from. There are a bunch of awesome computers and iPods there for me to play with, but that won’t help me purchase my headphones any faster.
So I turn to the left again.
That chick at the bottom is having a great shopping experience too. Great job Apple!
And I’m back where I started. Hey, look at that, THERE ARE NO CASH REGISTERS IN THE APPLE STORE! Yeah, that’s right, no registers.
So I grab one of the clerks who’s shuttling back and forth and ask, “How do I pay for this?” The smart alec clerk responds, “With money.”
Let me stop for a moment and mention that this is the first time in years that I’ve actually wanted to punch a sales clerk in the face (one day I’ll tell you about the last time).
So I take a deep breath and reply, “No, I mean, where do I pay for this?”
I’m then informed that the sales clerks are equipped with portable transaction units and that any one of them can help me. But not the one I was talking to because she (did I forget to mention she was a she?) was busy helping someone else. So I look around the store, and miraculously, everyone else in the store was busying helping other people. By “helping” I mean they were answering questions and showing off wares, not actually selling anything to anyone.
So I spot the closest sales chick and I wait patiently as she explains to a nice man what printers her could buy for his Mac Mini (short answer: EVERY SINGLE PRINTER IN THE UNIVERSE!). While I’m waiting a lovely older woman walks by, pissed as hell, muttering “How are there no cash registers?” Never in a million years would I think that me and old ladies would have a common foe, so thanks for that Apple Store.
Anyway, after a ridiculous wait the guy finally walks off and the sales person acknowledges that I’m waiting. I hand her the headphones and she starts plugging away at her handheld. She runs my card, and then smacks the side of the handheld. She tells me it’s not working.
Oh, isn’t that just fucking great?!
So then she finds another sales clerk and takes their handheld. She goes through the whole routine again and this time it works. Hurray for Apple. Then she asks if I want the receipt emailed to me. You see, thanks to those hippie bastards at Greenpeace Apple has a giant hard-on for the environment, and they’d rather email you a receipt rather than hand you a paper copy. Except the email address of mine they have on record, which they want to use, is some lame fake email I used once upon a time to sign up for lord knows what. So she asks if I want the email sent to fakeassemail@screwoff.com and I tell her no, just print out the receipt, which means she has to go into the back to get me the receipt. I don’t know what’s in “the back”, but I’m guessing it was a full resort spa because the chick took ten fucking minutes to come back. What the hell?! Though to her credit she did give me one of those nice tote bags which I didn’t want and she didn’t ask me if I wanted.
Now, I could stop right there with my shitty shopping story. But that’s not the end of my nightmare. You see, I get home and try and open the package, which appears to be made of simple cardboard, and discover that it’s actually made of friggin’ adamantium. And glued shut with super glue. And baptized in Satan’s hate.
I summoned forth all of my considerabl man-strength and this is as “open” as my fingers could get the package.
Five minutes, and two cuts on my fingers later, I sawed through the packaging and retrieved my headphones. Which sound great, by the way.
I tried pulling it open from the bottom, but failed. Luckily the industrial strength scissors I bought was able to cut through this bullshit. They also allow for great snowflake cutouts.
So overall, yeah, buying a pair of headphones from the Apple Store is probably the single worst shopping experience I’ve had in years. I’m all for minimalist design, but cash registers are one of those things that you kind of sorta need to have in a store. Steve Jobs, I curse thee!!!!
