In case you aren’t aware, the television show Heroes (NBC Mondays at 9pm) is a show done in the style of a live action comic book. You could also say it’s a rip-off of the X-men. In either case, the show has it’s ups and downs, and lately it’s at a down point. Angered by the lack of entertainment from the show, I’ve decided to do a mental exercise comparing the television show Heroes to actual comic books.

Heroes did not fair well.

What follows is a breakdown of the major reasons as to why I have concluded that Heroes is inferior to real comic books.

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1. Normal sized boobies

Now don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with normal sized boobies. A guy like me can’t be too choosy and quite frankly as long as they’re not freakishly lopsided I’m there, but the whole point of comics is to escape from reality and travel to a better world — one where boobies are huge and plentiful. Kind of like LA I guess.

I need to move to LA.

2. Too much walking, not enough Death Rays

I understand this show ain’t 24, but at least 90% of this show is people just walking around trying to get to something or away from something or their looking for something or they’re just walking for the hell of it. The only character on the show who hasn’t taken a freakin’ field trip cross country (yet) is Nathan’s handicapped wife, and you just know if they put a motor on her wheelchair she’d be packing her bags for a trip to Vegas. Hell, everyone else on the show keeps going to Vegas. That little guy from Japan and his buddy literally went to and from Vegas like four times. I know prostitution there is legal but don’t you horny Japanese bastards have jobs or something?

Just please please please give me a villain with a diabolical scheme to take over the world. Preferably one that has a doctorate degree in something. Or a monocle. Or both.

3. The villain sucks

And that’s really the major problem with the show, there’s no awesome super villain. Now, yeah, there’s that guy Sylar, but he sucks. I mean, compared to any old comic book villain Sylar is a total dweeb. He doesn’t have a secret lair, or evil henchmen, or an army of killer robot bees, or an army of real bees, or an evil plot to taint all the honey in the world thus driving up the market price of last remaining stockpile of honey which he alone would possess.

What? You do realize that’s what Winnie the Poo was up to, right?

4. Rampant anti-watchmaker’s son prejudice

Let’s talk about Sylar, the shows lone villain, for a moment. His back-story is that he was driven to evil by a need to improve his life because he was so thoroughly miserable as a watchmaker. He talks about how he ended up being a watchmaker because that’s what his Dad did and that it was such a meaningless “futile” existence.

Hey assholes at NBC, my Dad is a watchmaker, and that makes me the son of a watchmaker. Clearly I am a perfectly well adjusted dude living a grand meaningful life. And let me tell you, I did not spend my youth in my father’s clock-shop sitting around plotting the conquest of the Earth via the unfettered acquisition of power and the destruction of all those that would challenge my supremacy by eating their brains…. oh wait …. nevermind.

5. Zero heroism

Superman flew around the Earth really really fast thereby reversing the rotation of the planet and reversing the natural flow of time. Why? So he could save Lois Lane’s life. What the hell has that guy from Felicity done for anyone?

6. Too many friggin’ characters

There’s like, fifty X-men, but I have an easier time remember them then I do all the myriad of ridiculous characters they’ve introduced on Heroes. Wasn’t Clea Duvall on the cast at some point? Maybe if you didn’t introduce so many lame-ass characters on the show — like the guy who can make himself invisible or the chick who can hear really good — then maybe you could actually develop a story of some kind. Preferable one that doesn’t deal with people walking around from place to place.

7. Wha….?

Ok, all kidding aside, this show doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make sense that a guy would keep calling a dude in New York and leave messages on his machine in Japanese that his life is in danger when he’s got his friend literally standing right next to him who can speak fluent English. It doesn’t make sense that a dude from Haiti has the ability to turn off people’s powers at will but couldn’t catch a dude who can fly when he’s a standing a foot away from him before he takes off into the air. It doesn’t make sense that NBC would run endless promos asking “Are you on the list” and then never fucking have anything important happen with the aforementioned list.

8. No Thor

‘Nuff said.

Actually it’s not ’nuff. Here’s the thing, they could easily work Thor into the storyline. I mean, one of the characters on the show is already running for political office. Thor could show up to endorse him, and kick some ass while he’s in town. I’m assuming that the character on the show that’s running for Congress — Nathan is his name — I’m assuming that Nathan is a Republican based on his particular brand of douchebagicity. He’s definitely not touchy-feely enough to be a Democrat. If I’m right that would be ironic, as the actor playing Nathan is married in real life to that Dixie Chick that hates George Bush. Well, I’d guess all the Dixie Chicks hate George Bush but I’m talking specifically about the one that trash-talked him at some thing somewhere that got them in trouble with their country fans. The short kinda chunky one.

‘Nuff said (for reals this time).

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I’m not saying Heroes sucks, but yeah, it kind of does. Sorry Justin.