Since my previous movie reviews went over so smashingly well — and they should given the quality of film I enjoy — I’ve decided to do another set of movie reviews. In the future I’ll try to do them as I see them, rather than save them up and blow my wad at one time.
Fearless
These guys all had to sit through this movie too.
This is Jet Li’s last martial arts opera? Oh, I’m sorry, let me rephrase that. This is Jet Li’s last martial arts opera! I’ve never been so bored watching people fight each other. Watch the film with a Chinese language track, close your eyes, and pretend you’re watching “Crouching Tiger” again.
Annie Hall
Blah, blah, blah, neurotic babbling, blah, blah, paranoid whining, blah, blah, blah, you don’t love me, blah, blah, Groucho Marx.
I could have sworn the last time I saw this movie something happened. Or maybe I was thinking of a different movie.
Everything is Illuminated
This is the most exciting part of the movie. I’m talking specifically about this static screenshot. Keep in mind that I modified the lighting in Photoshop to make it more dramatic.
Liev Schreiber is kicks all kinds of friggin’ ass. Not even Chuck Norris can match Liev’s ass-kickery. However, this film, directed by Liev Schreiber, is a total piece of crap. If you haven’t heard of this movie go take a quick look at the trailer. I saw that and thought, “A quirky but meaningful film by the ass-kicking Liev Schreiber… I’m there.” The problem is the film isn’t really “quirky”, unless you consider “quirky” to be almost the entire damn movie being in Ukrainian. I don’t mean that it’s just in the Ukraine (which it is) but most of the dialog is subtitled. Most, as in almost all. I’ve seen foreign flicks that have more English in them than this. True, they were British films, but come on!
Jersey Girl
Ben Affleck has puny arms. I laugh at you Ben Affleck! Ha-HA!
TBS or FX or one of those other lame channels has been playing this nonstop and I’ve pretty much caught the whole thing over the last few weeks. I was expecting pure unadulterated crap, and you know, the film’s not that bad. I mean, it’s definitely Kevin Smith’s worst film, but it’s got some quality stuff going on. The film’s climax revolves around Affleck’s kid doing a school play, and even though they kind of spoil the surprise in an earlier scene, it’s still pretty great to see what play his kid wanted to do. It’s no Chasing Amy, but honestly I don’t think Kevin Smith has another one of those in him.
Hot Fuzz
OMFG this is the funniest movie I’ve seen all year. It might even be the funniest movie I’ve seen in many years. I don’t think I’ve laughed this much in a movie since Wayne’s World. The guys who made this movie are absolute geniuses. If you haven’t seen it yet … for shame!
Children of Men
I thought this was that movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger where he gets impregnated by Emma Thompson and Danny Devito is there for extra hilarity. It’s not.
The Illusionist
While watching this movie I wished I could disappear.
I imagine that before this film was made the producers, director, writer, actors, grips, etc all sat around a big table and made sure they were all on the same page with regards to who the audience for this film was supposed to be. Namely, retards. I don’t mean people with mental disabilities, I mean real retards. The kind of people who buy Ann Coulter’s books or who think that John Edwards should be president. Those assholes.
28 Days Later
For the love of God! Doesn’t anyone remember where I parked the car?!
Good, but not as good as 28 Days which starred the glorious Sandra Bullock as an alky. Nice!
It was, however, better than “28 Weaks Later”, as previously mentioned.
Stranger than Fiction
Will Ferrell being awesome again. About friggin’ time.
I really liked this movie. It was well written, well acted, well director, and doesn’t have Kevin Costner in it. There’s really nothing more to ask for. Well, ok, boobs. I could ask for more boobs. Preferably girl boobs.
Curse of the Golden Flower
The only thing this film has going for it is the copious amount of Gong Li’s titties.
Yeah, so I guess this movie wasn’t that bad.
Why do I keep watching Asian movies? I keep hoping to get a film as good as “Infernal Affairs” and instead I keep watching crap like this. I have no one to blame but myself… and every Asian person. When they ask what made Nima racist, you tell them “Curse of the Golden Flower”. Or Jesus. Whatever your theological beliefs may dictate.
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
So Voldemort is some kind of fish dude? WTF?!
This movie has dragons!
Spiderman 3
The villains are a walking sandcastle and some dickwad from “That 70s Show”. ‘Nuff said.
Van Wilder: The Rise of Taj
One of these people is not like the others. One of these people just doesn’t belong …
The only reason to watch this film is to play the Greatest Drinking Game Ever! Here are the rules:
- Every time Kal Penn screws up his fake Indian accent, take 1 drink.
- Every time the film references either Van Wilder the character or the events of the original film, take 1 drink.
- Every time there’s an obvious joke, but no one in the room laughs, take a drink.
- If anyone can figure out a plausible reason why a smoking hot nymphomanic British chick with giant titties would be hanging out with Kal Penn and his idiot buddies, down the bottle!
Five minutes into this movie you’ll already be drunk. By the end of the night you may very well be dead. Plan accordingly.
