As I’m sure everyone knows by now the iPhone goes on sale tomorrow evening at 6pm (local). Reviews have started to trickle in, as have buying recommendations. Being that I’m a guy with a blog I am completely qualified to add my own analysis of this matter to the public discourse. Therefore, I’ve decided to write what is certainly the definitive iPhone buyer’s guide…
To determine if you should buy an iPhone ask yourself the following question:
Are you willing to pay up to $100 a month to carry around a 3.5-inch Macintosh computer?
If yes, then buy an iPhone.
If no, then don’t.
It is as simple as that. I think people, like Yahoo!’s Gina Hughes, are confusing the choice involved. She writes:
Probably the biggest reason to wait is the price.The iPhone will retail in stores for $500 (4GB) and $600 (8GB) — AND you still have to sign a new two-year agreement.
This isn’t what’s happening. You aren’t buying a $600 device AND having to get a service. You’re getting a service that requires a $600 membership fee. What are you becoming a member of? The Grand Society of Being Frickin’ Awesome™!
Now obviously, if you are willing to pay upwards of $1001 then you might wonder why you should pay a membership fee to Apple specifically. Well, the answer to that is simple: have you seen the frickin’ thing?!!!! I mean, seriously, it’s the coolest little device I’ve ever seen. Cooler even than those really cool USB sushi thumb drives. Why would you choose a different phone?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know there are problems with the iPhone. I’ve read all the reviews.
1. The over the air web browsing is excruciatingly slow. Granted.
2. The touch screen keyboard takes days to get used to. Probably, but considering the fact that in three years every single portable device is going to go to touch screen it’s probably better to get the learning out of the way now.2
3. AT&T sucks. Yeah, well, I’ve got a little secret to tell you. Are you ready for it? All cell phone carriers suck! You will always find someone who’s unhappy with their cell phone carrier. That’s why there are so many cell phone carriers. If one was great and awesome, then it would have cornered the market by now, given, you know, how much cell phone carriers suck.
4. The biggest size is 8 GBs. Waaaah! Poor babies. Look, the computer I took to college with me only had an 8 GB hard drive and that was enough. And you’re not even going to be filling it up with porn.
5. You’re going to have to get in a long ass line to get one. OK. I waited 2 hours in line to see Terminator 2 with my Aunt. We knew we were waiting so we stopped by a deli joint beforehand and got some sandwiches. My Aunt and I had a great time that I know we both remember to this day. Oh, and I did all that having already seen the movie.
6. You can’t use the touch screen with your penis. I will concede that this could be a deal breaker.
That’s all true, but you know what? The iPod doesn’t have a built in FM tuner. The Nintendo Wii can’t make toast. Plasma screen televisions don’t come with built in DVD/VCR combos. Life’s a bitch.
Yeah, the iPhone’s not perfect, but if you’re in the market for a paying-$100-a-month service than the iPhone is still hands down prettier than all the other mobile devices out there. Hell, I bet the box the iPhone comes in is prettier than all the other mobile devices on the market.
So, am I going to buy an iPhone? Nope. I’m not willing to spend up to $100 a month to have an awesome computer in my pocket. I’d much rather use that money on dating models and going to resorts and Xbox 360 games and comic books and Transformers toys. If I was, I’d sure as hell get one. It’s an easy choice, either way.
- Yes, I realize the plans offered go as low as $59.99, but $100 is a nice round number, and I think when discussing purchases you should overestimate rather than underestimate the cost.↩
- I also wanted to point out that this is long over due. The most futuristic sci-fi films all used to have touch screen, and they were all supposed to be set in like the year 2000. FYI, I’m also still waiting on my flying skateboard Back to the Future II!↩
And what do you pay now for your cellphone, with a data plan? Or do you not have a cellphone? Or a data plan?
It’s not $60/$80/$100 a month in new costs if you replace an existing smartphone. It’s the same cost you were paying before.
Why am I bothering commenting? Gotta go get in line with the rest of the iZombies… mmmm… BBBRRAIIIINNNSS
I pay $40, no data plan, and I feel like my carrier, T-Mobile, is getting the better end of that deal as it is.
That’s actually a great point about not being an additional cost for people already with plans, but I think the assumption is that the iPhone is going to attract a whole new audience, consisting of people who probably don’t already have a “smartphone”.
Now see, if you already had an iPhone you could be commenting on blogs from the line using iPhone Safari. Of course, if you had an iPhone then you probably wouldn’t be waiting in line for one. Logic is weird!