PETER MOORE’S NECROPOLIS OF PAIN (AP) – Peter Moore, corporate vice president for the Interactive Entertainment Business of Microsoft, has stepped down from his post to spend more time with his family, and to pursue a career as an evil wizard.

Moore oversaw the global launch of Microsoft’s Xbox 360 game console, which was considered by many a highly successful launch, except in Japan where they couldn’t give that shit away. Moore helped position the Xbox 360 as the ultimate in next-generation gaming, until the Nintendo Wii was released and positioned the Xbox 360 to be it’s bitch.

Since joining Microsoft in 2003 Moore has earned a reputation as a fiendish businessman. “He locked me in a small windowless room with a mongoose for sixteen days,” remarked Robbie Bach, president of the Entertainment and Devices Division at Microsoft. “He never told me why.” Many industry insiders found Moore’s unpredicatablity to be refreshing and youthful, as was his ability to play make believe.

Moore’s decision to leave has been attributed to his life-long love of magic and sorcery. Also, there’s that $1 billion in repair costs Microsoft is set to incur as a result of widespread and repetitive Xbox 360 hardware failures. When asked if this is his first foray into the dark arts Moore replied, “I minored in The Blackest Magicks. Also, all those 360 hardware failures are a result of an diabolical spell I cast. I was trying to make my penis bigger.” A noble endeavor, to be sure.

Moore, already a level three red mage, hopes to achieve full Dread Lord Wizard status by year’s end. “I’d really like to devour the souls of all men, women, and children,” says Moore with the quirky sideways smirk we’ve all come to love, due in part to frequent injections of love potion. “What can I say? I just burn with a insatiable hate for all God’s creatures.”

“I’d like to conjure a unicorn,” says Moore. “You know, so I can punch it in the face.”

So with his trusty Wand of Corporate Negligance in one hand, and his Great Book of Wii Little Curses in the other, he heads off on his Harley Davidson broomstick to attend classes as part of the Hogwarts School of Wizardry Adult Continuing Education Program. When asked what spell he would like to learn first he replied, “A tattoo removal spell.”

Indeed.

Best of luck, Pete. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.