Everyone keeps asking me how they can donate to support this site. Well, by “everyone” I mean “no one”. But seriously folks, you think these jokes write themselves? You think web space is free? Gimme stuff!
To better assist you in determine what things I may or may not want, I’ve decided to compile a list of the most awesome items ever released upon the commerical marketplace… which all happen to be available from SkyMall. Indeed, the contents of this list are so grand that many of you will find items that you would like for yourselves. In the event that happens, how about you throw a brother a bone and buy one for me too. I mean, is that too much to ask. I’m friggin’ hilarious!
iWear VR920 virtual headset – $399
Your laptop screen is literally right in front of you, you fucking douchebag!
Found on page 5 of the SkyMall catalog, the iWear V920 allows you to see cutting edge 3D games as though they were right in front of you, on a screen. Offering you a mindblowing 3 degrees of freedom, you’ll be able to see the entire 3D virtual world before you, provided the 3D virtual world before you is a very narrow tunnel which doesn’t require you to look anywhere other than 3 degrees in front of you. This is ideally suited for those brand new cutting edge 3D games where you play one of those horses with those blinders on that draw carriages. If you set a little bucket up underneath you to catch your poop it’s just like the real thing. Awesome!
Also for people who are obsessed with Geordi La Forge.
iMuffs – $179.99
Black, white, latina, asian, whatever color is cool. Wait, what are we talking about again?
Found on page 5 of the SkyMall catalog, these are some kind of portable headphones for your iPod. I’m going to be perfectly honest with you, when I hear “iMuffs” I think of two things:
I think eye-muffs, which I imagine would like those things they give you on planes to block out the light so you can sleep better. I’ve always wanted one of those, but they only give them to you in first class and I’ve never flown first class, which is a bummer because I really want to, just to have the experience have having flown first class. That would be swell.
Pussy.
Gravity Defyer Dress Shoes – $129.95
Look in the sky! It’s a bird. It’s a plane. No, it’s just a jackass.
Found on page 11 of the SkyMall catalog, these are dress shoes for people who are really on the go. Avaliable in four distinct colors: Tan, Mocha, Black, and Pretentious Asshole.
Brookstone Grill Alert Talking Remote Thermometer – $75.00
I don’t care what this does, it says BEEF. I must have it!
Found on page 13 of the SkyMall catalog, this thing will, I guess, measure the temperature of the meat you’re grilling and then will, by radio transmission, alert you when the food is ready. Because, really, who has time to actually stand near the grill and pay attention to what they’re doing? I mean, it’s not like cooking on a grill is, like, fun or something.
The World’s Largest Crossword Puzzle – $29.95
Is “dickhead” one word or two?
Found of page 27 of the SkyMall catalog, Hammacher Schlemmer’s Guinness record holding crossword puzzle is the creme de la creme of oversized novelty brainteasers. One look at this gimongous crossword puzzle adorned on your wall and all who enter your home will know instantly that you are a man of unfathomable intellect. Or that you have a really tiny penis. Either or.
The Outdoor Cat Playpen – $189.95
I’z had plans for xcape but I’z eated it.
Found on page 29 of the SkyMall catalog. Modeled after Vietnamese prison camps and designed by the same guys who made Saddam Hussein’s rape-rooms the Outdoor Cat “Playpen” is something no pet lover can be without. This small but inescapable geometric maze will keep kitty occupied for hours, and days, and years, leaving you plenty of time to play Xbox 360. The vibranium mesh screen is impervious to all forms of claw attack, while still allowing your cat to breathe, and thereby protecting you from most, though not all, animal cruelty laws.
And in case you forget where in the yard you put a massive hexagonal feline prison, the Outdoor Cat “Playpen” comes with a cute little flag on top — pink for girl cats, and blue for boy cats — so you can quickly and easily find the emaciated remains of your pussy.
Remote-controlled Water Cannon – $129.50
Don’t tell anyone, but that’s not water coming out of that cannon…
Found on page 45 of the SkyMall catalog. Are you sick of those bastard neighbor’s kids always playing in your pool? Well, no more, thanks to this handy orbital death machine water squirter. Strike fear into the hearts of unsuspecting trespassing children. They’re too young and stupid to understand what’s happening to them, and they’ll never think of just removing the device from the water.
The cannon is capable of pumping out 25 gallons of chlorinated water per second, enough to blind intimidate even a middle schooler.
Palm-Frond Fan Blades – 5/$139.99
What the fuck is a frond?
Found on page 66 of the SkyMall catalog, this is an item I have to have. You see, most people who meet me know that I’m an smug asshole, but I need to communicate this to people who come to my home for the first time. I feel these fan giant leaf attachments — which come in colors like oak and burl — will go along way to making it clear to visitors of my home that I am, in fact, a smug asshole, because, let’s face it, nothing says smug asshole like a burl fan giant leaf attachment.
Electronic Touchpad Lockset – $149.99
Because keys are for pussies.
Found on page 67 is a great idea. Who needs a key when you can replace it with a complex piece of electronics? It’s not like these things ever break or are buggy or don’t work right. No, never. I mean, we have one at work in the brand new building we’re in and it lasted, what, a year before it started malfunctioning. We only had to call the guy out six times to repair it, and he only had to replace the entire touchpad one time. Compare that to a typical “old fashioned” locking system. Man, in the last six years the key to my house has broken… ummmm… well, the door knob needed to be replaced at least… ummmmm…. Yeah.
Ston-O-Max – $99.95
Who doesn’t want an oversized glorified fanny back? Exactly.
Found on page 80 of the SkyMall catalog:
The Ston-O-Max is the first and only machine that uses Centrifugal Body Stimulation technology to help you live your life better. If you are on a diet — any diet. The Ston-O-Max helps build your muscles by causing them to contract – WITHOUT ELECTRICITY! The Ston-O-Max helps reduce pain. The massaging action promotes blood circulation to rid yourself of muscle soreness.
That’s all verbatim1 from the SkyMall catalog. Seriously. I don’t think you guys need my help to crack jokes about this one.
The Ultimate Gear Management Travel Vest – $139.95
Because I frequently need to travel with a cell phone, a full size iPod, two sets of headphones, an extra pair of sunglasses, keys, pictures of loved ones, spare change, a Sony PSP, a fountain pen, a timer, pogs, a three piece cutlery set, AND a 20 oz bottle of water. Like all the frickin’ time.
Found on page 94 of the SkyMall catalog, this is the must have for all metrosexual douchebags. As shown by the handy X-ray view of the jacket, you can see that it’s designed to carry around all your awesome man-stuff. You know, for when you don’t want to have to lug your purse around. The only thing this thing won’t be able to carry is your dick, which won’t be a problem since you lost it a long time before you bought this jacket.
Also of note is that this thing costs the same as those stupid fan leaf things. And you get five of those.
Solarveil Sun Hat and Cover-up – $19.50 & $59.00 respectively
Chick sold separately. Though judging from her face probably not for very much.
Found on page 98 of the SkyMall catalog. Everyone who knows me knows that I’m a caring and compassionate man, and I would hate for my bleached blonde tanned girlfriend to have to go out into the sun in a one-piece bathing suit and be exposed to harmful UV rays. No, I will not allow such a thing to happen! That’s what the Solarveil Sun Hat and Cover-up are for… to let her know I care.
Basho the Sumo Wrestler Sculpture and Glass-Topped Table – $95 & $225
BASHO!
Found on page 140 of the SkyMall catalog.
There is no joke here. I seriously want these.
“Freedom’s Pride” Wall Sculpture – $85
Wouldn’t you love to wake up every morning to this hanging on above your bed?
Found on page 141 of the SkyMall catalog, this sculpture was designed by reknowned artist I’ve never heard of Samuel Lightfoot. Lightfoot? Hmmm… sounds Native American to me. Who better to design a sculpture of the symbol of this great nation swooping down, talons outstretched, ready to crush it’s prey in it’s might grip?
As a man who hates all forms of human life, and especially hates it when said human life enters my home, I’d love to have this on my wall. Nothing says, Get the fuck out of my house like a sculpture of wildlife with murderous intent burning in it’s eyes! Excellent.
Extra trivia: The original design for this looked a bit less “terrifying predator of the sky about to devour you and your young”, and a bit more Sam the Eagle.
The Original Backnobber II – $28.95
For when you, you know, want to knob your own back…
Found on page 159 of the SkyMall catalog is none other than the original sequel to the Backnobber! Oh yes, this is an officially sanctioned successor to the Backnobber. That is to say, it’s totally canonical.
I have no idea what a Backnobber is, or what kind of regulatory body certifies back nobbing devices, but I take it there was a need for a replace to the original original Backnobber. Probably much in the same way there was a need for a replacement to the original Legally Blonde. If The Original Backnobber II is anything like Legally Blonde II: Red White and Blonde then I’m on board. And by on board, I mean vomiting on your face.
Neckpro Traction Device – $54.95
This is why I love SkyMall.
Found on page 159 of the SkyMall catalog is by far the greatest invention known to modern man. The Neckpro Traction Device is do-it-yourself over-the-door neck pain reduction device. How, or why, are question that need not be asked. One must simple accept that it is, much in the same way that one must simply accept our two party political system and move on with their life. Such is the absolutism of the Neckpro Traction Device.
Also, it doubles as a do-it-yourself over-the-door suicide device. You know, in case someone actually buys crap like this for you.
So what’s your favorite?
(Special thanks to Justin for providing the SkyMall catalog.)
- Yes, that is a direct copy of the text in the catalog. I double checked it three times. It actually says, “If you are on a diet — any diet.” as a complete statement, without any additional text to qualify it. SkyMall copy is clearly written by the same people who shop SkyMall.↩
Basho !!! So cute and useful.
I think I used to work in a cubicle across from the original Backnobber. He was always peeking over the half-wall and jabbing me in the scapulae with a fireplace poker which he kept in his cubicle, apparently for this singular purpose. I didn’t stay at that job very long.
Are you sure that was a fireplace poker he was jabbing you with?
trying to locate/contact the the artist Samuel Lightfoot concerning his eagle sculpture. Got any ideas?? Thanks