Do you see two faces or a vase? I see a good time.
1. This movie needs punctuation in its title. War is generic and boring, while War! is a battle cried that shakes the heavens and brings the gods to their knees. Being able to respectably use punctuation in the title of a film is a rare occurrence, and one that shouldn’t be overlooked. Sadly, it is here.
Though, honestly, if punctuation was going to be used then this film would probably have been titled War?.
2. San Francisco has both a Yakuza district and a Triad district. They both look asian, so it’s hard to tell which one you’re in.
3. The main villain of the film, the evil assassin named Rogue (no relation to the chick from X-men), uses a special form of titanium encased bullets with depleted uranium tips. I know this because it’s explained in the opening scene of the film. It’s explained five minutes later when someone dies and the hero discovers one of those bullets at the scene (with a flashback to the first scene). Also, it’s explained five minutes after that — 3 years into the future of the film — when the hero finds another one of those bullets at a crime scene signifying the return of Rogue (with flashbacks to both the first scene and the second scene — yes, a double flashback!). I’m pretty sure it’s mentioned about 90 times after that, but I wasn’t really paying attention anymore.
4. Jason Statham is a friggin’ killing machine. No kidding. He kills ninjas, gangsters, cooks, guys with hats. Basically anyone that gets in his way. Except for the villainous Rogue, who at one point is standing right in front of him unarmed and helpless, and Jason Statham does nothing to him. I assume it’s because Jason Statham doesn’t kill unarmed guys, even when he’s been hunting them for 3 years after they brutally murdered his partner and his partner’s wife and kid. I guess Jason Statham is like a Predator in that way.
5. Jet Li can’t speak English. I mean, the guy tries, god bless him, but it’s like sort of like when people teach their dogs to make noises that sound like words. No, wait, it’s exactly like that. Oh the irony.
6. Yakuza ninjas attacking the Triad leader’s hideout will only carry swords with them, which will allow them to kill all the Triad guards, even though the guards are packing automatic weapons like uzis and shit.
7. Swords can pierce giant cement tubes. In one scene Rogue hunts down some asian dickhead and kills him by stabbing him in the stomach with a sword. The sword will go through the dickhead and stay stuck there pinning the dickhead’s lifeless body against a giant cement tube. Rogue will leave the sword there when he leaves, even though it’s apparently the most sharp sword in the world and therefore probably priceless. It’s OK, though, because Rogue seems to have a lot of adamantium swords.
8. When someone who you know has just betrayed you hands you a briefcase with a fake horse statuette in it there’s probably also a bomb in there somewhere. Like, I’m 80% sure there is.
9. When Jason Statham promises to show up to his estranged son’s basketball game you won’t know if he showed up or not because that plot point is never brought up again, even though at the time it seemed like the entire friggin’ film hanged off his promise that he would.
10. Devon Aoki shows up in movies for no reason. Nix that… she shows up to order a salad (chef, to be exact, sans blue cheese and with the dressing on the side). But make no mistake, she’ll order that salad with so much conviction that you’ll swear she thought she was in a better movie. Like 2 Fast 2 Furious.
11. The leader of the Yakuza looks sorta like a Japanese Wayne Newton. Seriously.
12. The hero’s black partner is guaranteed to die. For no reason. Well, I guess there is a reason: movies are racist.
13. Luis Guzmán has no idea what “fate” is. No, really. At one point he and Jason Statham have a heart to heart that goes like this:
Statham: Do you believe in fate? Guzmán: Fate? Statham: The idea that everything happens for a reason…
Look, Jason Statham, if you have to explain to someone what “fate” is then no answer they are ever going to give you is ever going to be worthwhile. Just shoot them in the head and be done with it. To Luis Guzmán, your character in the film is Mexican, not retarded. You play those differently.
14. When the FBI doesn’t have enough evidence to arrest a guy one FBI agent will whisper that to the other no more than six inches away from the guy they’re trying to arrest’s face. Obviously, they’re hoping the guy is deaf. Or just not paying attention. You know, either one, or both.
15. I fucking loved the movie War. No, seriously, I haven’t laughed this hard in the theater since Hot Fuzz. The difference, of course, is that I was laughing with Hot Fuzz and at War. Still, I highly recommend grabbing a few beers and watching this flick with some buddies. Good times!
The reason Jason Statham may or may not have attended his estranged son’s basketball game upon which the entire film hinged was that he may or may not have been working for the Yakuza all the while. Which may or may not have changed one’s understanding of the whole story, depending on whether one was or was not trying too hard to understand it.
Did they play the Edwin Starr song “War” like in Rush Hour? That would have put the icing on the cake.
where is the Yakuza district in SF… and the triad one?
like anybody know the exact cross streets… I so want to check out Club Zero