I’m too old now to be on the Real World, but I realize that there are millions of idiots who eagerly compete for a much coveted spot in the overly stylized Real World house. I think it’s really quite normal to want to be in a house full of cameras outfitted with nightvision spy gear with a bunch of assholes you don’t know and a single unisex shower that’s inevitably going to be a breeding ground for syphilis. So as a servant of the people I want to help make sure that the young dickwads who join the cast of the Real World look good in their requisite cast photographs, because, really, it’s all about the cast photo. Well, that, and the drunken bi-sexual threeway you have in the hot tub on the second day.
As many of you know, I am a professional poser. It’s a rare skill — being a poser — which I’m sure most, if not all, of the people applying to the be on the Real World already possess. However, there are subtle nuances to being a poser that I worry the kids these days simply haven’t mastered. So, in order to assist you in your goal of becoming an über-poser, frat asshat or sorority bitch joining the Real World, I give you now a guide to the various types of poses you can strike in your official Real World cast photograph, as illustrated by the cast of the new season of the Real World, which debuts on MTV some time on some day that I didn’t look up because I don’t care.
Pose 1: The Lean
Cast member Dunbar shows us how to properly execute The Lean.
The Lean is an old dependable pose for a male Real Worlder to take in the cast photo. It says, “At my last frat party I had sex with three women!” It also says, “Yeah, sure, they were actually trannys, and yeah, I was paying them to sleep with me, but I’m such a pompous asshole that it’s a-OK.”
A bright colored sweater of some kind goes well with The Lean, as it distracts attention away from the herpes sores surrounding your face and anus.
The Lean is advised for people who aren’t really sure how big a douchebag they are yet.
Pose 2: Emotionally Shattered Little Girl
Parisa illustrates how to bring your inner-emotionally shattered little girl out in your Real World cast photo.
The ESLG pose might seem easy at first, but it’s actually one of the more complex poses for a young woman to do. The key is to not really be pretty, and stare at the camera with a “OMG why doesn’t anyone love me” glimmer in your eyes. You need to communicate to the audience, in your forced half-way smile, that you’re ready to sleep with the first guy in the house you say hello to, but then when you’re inevitably rejected — because, you know, you look like ass — that you’ll bitch and moan about it every single day from then forward until you leave the house, at which point you’ll proclaim yourself a “stronger person” or some such other self-congratulatory bullshit.
This pose was previously mastered by Cara from the Real World Chicago. You should study her to get an idea of what kind of emotional train-wreck you need to be to make this pose work for you.
And eating disorder is helpful, though not necessary, for the ESLG pose.
Pose 3: Anorexic Redneck Slut
Remember girls, as KellyAnne proves, the more pronounced your hip bones are, the more attractive an anorexic redneck slut you’ll be.
Unlike the previous pose, the Anorexic Redneck Slut requires an eating disorder, though not necessarily anorexia. It also requires the young lady to be from the South, and to be a total fucking idiot (granted, as an applicant on the Real World this is a given).
The key to this pose is to look confidently at the camera while wearing very little clothes, so that all the guys watching know that they won’t need to put too much work into getting your drunk ass naked.
This pose was invented by former Real World Las Vegas cast member Trishelle, who’s she-stank they are still scrubbing out of the tiles of the suite they were all in.
Pose 4: Flaming Metrosexual Cowboy
This asshole is named Cohutta.
No, that’s his name. Cohutta. I am not making this shit up. It’s almost as bad as that asshole named “Teck $”, with the goddamn dollar sign.
Now we’re getting into the advanced poses. The Flaming Metrosexual Cowboy pose is only to be attempted by men who are such douchebags their own frat brothers refer to them as douchebags. Oh yes, that’s douchey.
The Flaming Metrosexual Cowboy look depends on the poser trying as hard as they can to look like a fucking gay stereotype — so much so that it’s probably a hate crime — and then putting on a cowboy hat. A choker helps, because, as we all know, they are hella flaming. Also, kinda squint, like the sun is in your eyes, except that’s impossible because you’re wearing a fucking cowboy hat in the middle of Australia, and don’t shave for three to ten weeks so you have some facial hair.
You know you’ve got the FMC down when passersby are consumed with the irresistible urge to punch you right in the face. You’ve mastered this technique when grandmothers kick you in the balls.
Pose 5: Doesn’t Know She’s a Dog
You just know that Shauvon Doen’t Know She’s a Dog. Well done, Shauvon.
Also, what, is your brother named Chevron or something? Ha!
If you’re a young lady with a total and complete lack of self-awareness, and you’re butt ugly and/or chunky, then the Doesn’t Know She’s a Dog pose is for you. Countless not-pretty Real Worlders have, going all the way back to that assface Beth in Season 2, have been using the DKSaD pose to make their cast photos not stand out against the background of girls chosen for letting their tits hang out and not eating.
You might be wondering how this pose differs from the Emotionally Shattered Little Girl. Good question. This pose differs in two important ways:
First, where in the ESLG pose the poser exudes a sad desperation, in this pose the poser must ooze confidence in her totally not getting that she’s not hot, so much so that it’s really fucking sad and pathetic. The goal is to make people wonder if you own a mirror, and then ultimately pity the fact that you don’t have anyone around you who’s willing to just tell you that you might as well stop going to clubs and start hitting up the Dungeons and Dragons circuit for dates, because, you’re fugly.
Second, you have to be really fugly. Not sorta not pretty, but totally not pretty. You should devour prettiness, which might explain why you’re kinda bottom heavy, baby. Seriously, stop eating, fatty.
Pose 6: What the Fuck is Wrong with This Bitch
Trisha at least has a normal name. Whoo!
This chick is wearing an oversized novelty red belt around her torso. This can’t be fucking normal. People do not walk down the street with oversized novelty red belts around their torsos. At least not in my fucking city. Is this bitch crazy? Look, I try to be understanding and supportive of people who suffer from mental retardation, but this is just stupid. Really fucking stupid. I haven’t met you and already I hate you, and I know that whatever moron you end procreating with will produce a brood of that I will also hate, but that will invariably grow up to work at the DMV on that one occassion when I forget to renew my driver’s license in advance and I have to go to there in person and deal with the idiots at the DMV. Your kid will be that idiot! Bitch!
That, my friends, is exactly the reaction you would expect from a well executed WFWTB pose. Quite masterful, indeed.
Pose 7: Insane Hip-Hop Wigger Voodoo Snorkeler, M.D.
Isaac is clearly using his voodoo powers to make me want to kill myself.
No, wait, it’s not the voodoo. It’s his existence.
I’m going to be totally honest with you, I have no clue what the fuck is wrong with this guy. If you told me his father was a baboon and his mother was a Cuisinart food processor I’d totally buy it. I’m actually pretty sure this guy was genetically engineered by MTV to be the ultimate form of assclown. That is to say, I believe he is the dead end of the assclown lineage; that you cannot evolve a more potent form of assclown.
Sadly, I remember a time when MTV was relevant and, dare I say, added substance to the lives of America’s youth. Now? We’ve got this guy. I blame Cindy Crawford and that fucking House of Style.
Tags: TV