Nima Yousefi's Equinox of Insanity

10 Things That Make Me Fear For This Season of Heroes

Long story short: Heroes got off to a laughably pathetic start. Granted, last season the show hit it’s high point about half way through (”Company Man”, “Five Years Gone”, “Parasite” = excellent television), but it’s not looking good. Here’s why…

1. They’re already repeating powers

What the hell?! It’s the first episode of the second season and they’ve already introduced a new character that has the exact same power as someone else. Two people that can fly? Really? Like, you couldn’t give the new guy the power to shoot laser beams out of his eyes, or the power to manipulate water, or the power to use his freaking imagination and come up with a power that some other jackass on the show doesn’t already have?

2. Ripping off Superman Returns is never a good sign

Speaking of flying guy, the reveal of his power is a total rip off of that creepy scene in Superman Returns where Superman hangs outside Lois Lane’s window and watches her every move. Yeah, that’s great, not only does the new guy have the exact same power as someone else but he’s a fucking stalker too.

3. An epsiode with no Ali Larter?

FYI, if you didn’t have so many characters running around you could focus on the ones that are smokin’ hot. All summer I was waiting to see how Nikki uses her power of super-strength to be a better stripper. That’s how it works, right? The stronger the woman, the more potent the stripping. I read that in a biology textbook.

Did I say biology textbook? I meant my pants. Yeah, you heard me.

4. Excessive roof tackles

In season one what’s-his-face-with-the-stupid-hair saves the cheerleader by tackling the villain and falling off the roof of the high school. In last night’s episode Sulu gets it by getting tackled off a roof.

Look, I realize it’s hard to come up with new and interesting ways for people to die… oh, wait, no it isn’t. How about instead of tackling him you had someone shoot him with a musket? I haven’t seen that in a while. Or how about if the murderer had the diabolical power to tickle someone to death?

I mean, put some fucking elbow grease into this writing thing, “Heroes” staff writers.

5. Everyone got divorced

Yes, I appreciate the fact that you’re trying to get rid of extra (useless) characters, but having everyone get inexplicably divorced four months after the events of the season finale is totally lame. And the two guys who got divorced both had cliffhangers relating to their wives: Parkman’s wife was pregnant with what was foretold to be a super-powered kid, and Nathan’s crippled wife was healed so she could walk again.

But yeah, it makes sense that as soon as your crippled wife can walk you’d divorce her sorry no-longer-crippled ass. And grow a beard. Right-o.

6. Didn’t someone get elected to public office?

I realize being a Congressman is a bullshit job, but shouldn’t Nathan, you know, not be drunk and not be spending all his time in New York? Am I the only person who remembers him winning that election. By cheating. I thought it was sort of a major plot point that began in the very first episode of the show.

Maybe the wife got the job in the divorce?

7. Mohinder’s apartment

OK, this is serious. In season one Mohinder moves to America, gets a job as a cab driver, and moves into his murdered father’s old apartment. Immediately thereafter a strange and evil guy shows up and tries to plant a bug in the apartment, clearly indicating to Mohinder that evil people know exactly where he lives. Of course, because biology Ph.D.s from India are all morons, Mohinder stays in the apartment for the rest of the season. Even after more mysterious people who he doesn’t trust show up possibly to kill him. Also keep in mind that at the end of the season Mohinder is nearly killed in that apartment by Sylar, who then trashes the place. Oh yeah, and the apartment is in a tenement that never gets direct sunlight.

So season two opens with Mohinder back in India, which is great for him because whatever the housing situation is in India it has to be better that that place in New York, but then we find out Parkman is living in Mohinder’s shitty apartment, with a little girl he rescued. Rescued from the same people who already know where Mohinder’s apartment is. Which, you will recall, is a rat infested dump with poor lighting.

You’re NBC’s only hit show, I think you can put a little pressure on them to build you some new fucking sets. Unless of course there’s a really important reason for having the little girl and Parkman living in that apartment. Like, that they get AIDS from living there. That would make sense.

8. Hiro is a pussy again

Hiro’s character arch in season one was to go from a naive Japanese geek to being a courage Japanese warrior, and season two starts off with Hiro being a naive Japanese geek again. He shows up in feudal Japan comes face to face with a white asshole who Hiro knows to be a super-duper hero and all Hiro does is follow the guy around and beg him to be a hero instead of an asshole. Keep in mind that Hiro can stop time, teleport anywhere he wants, is now a master swordsman, and sorta almost killed the super-villain Sylar at the end of season one.

Again, there’s an issue of creativity here, guys. I already saw him go from zero to Hiro (HA!) once, I don’t want to see it again.

9. No awesome super-powered action

There’s one scene at the end of the episode where Peter shoots someone with a bolt of energy. Yeah, that’s great, but nothing else happens in the episode. No fights. No inappropriate use of one’s super-power. No hot stripper action.

I’ve said it before, but Sky High had way more super-powered action than “Heroes” ever has.

10. What the fuck actually happened in the season finale?!

Why isn’t Sylar dead? Why isn’t Nathan dead? Why did Nathan and his Mom think Peter was dead? Why did The Company just let Parkman take Molly and keep her? Why did Grandma Petrelli just let Claire get away with the Bennets? Why did Hiro teleport four hundred years into the past? What was going on with Peter having a heart-to-heart with the previously deceased John Shaft? How the hell did Parkman survive four bullets to the chest when there’s no indication that medical attention was administered in a timely fashion? What happened to Clea Duvall’s stupid FBI character? Wasn’t the black guy from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” season four mortally wounded? What’s the story with Sulu? Why am I still watching this show after such a weak-ass finale?

I realize you can’t just reveal everything in the first episode, but how about you throw me a fucking bone, Tim Kring? Thanks.