Nima Yousefi's Equinox of Insanity

Timbaland is introduced. He’s pensive and thoughful. Or constipated.

And it looks like this video is taking place in the sewers.

We are then introduced to the female lead of the video. Apparently she decided to stop by the sewers on her way to the mall, or a picnic, or someplace else where casual floral shirts are customary.

We are then presented with a crazy guy in a suit. Given that Timbaland’s last video co-starred Justin Timberlake, this is a marked improvement.

Finally, we get to meet a series of bright lights, which are symbolic for how Timbaland’s music will light the way to our future. Also, it’s pretty dark in there, because they decided to film this video in a fucking sewer.

And so we see the theme of our video: a good old fashioned love story between a chubby music producer and some singer chick I’ve never heard of. It’s like When Harry Met Sally in a sewer.

We get the crazy in the suit again. Boy, he’s really pissed off. My storytelling instincts tell me it’s because he’s in love with the girl and so begins a love triangle betwixt Timbaland and himself.

No, actually he’s just a member of a trio of shirt and tie soccer players who practice in sewers.

This is an homage to Transformers: The Movie. No, not the Michael Bay movie; the original cartoon from 1986. You see, in the film the villain Unicron remakes some dead and dying Decepticons into new beings, including Cyclonus, the warrior, “… and his Armada.” It is never explained what or who “his Armada” is really supposed to be, but there is that other guy who looks exactly like him, but doesn’t actually serve any purpose to the story. The parallels should be obvious.

Notice the mirrored spacial arrangement? Exactly. All the Transformers fans in the house represent! Holla.

You’d think soccer players would be happier playing with their balls.

Here Timbaland is doing his “fly like a bird” dance. That is to say, Timbaland is totally batshit crazy.

The chick, on the other hand, isn’t too bad to look at.

Timbaland can also do the robot. He’s a dancing machine. HA!

Timbaland then amazes us with his super-human power to bend time and space (Yataa!) to reverse his position from the previous frame in a flash. He’s so powerful that he also reverses the positions of the chick and his Armada. It’s almost like the editor just took the film and did a horizontal flip on it, except Timbaland used magic.

For reasons that aren’t immediately clear, Timbaland attempts to crush his Armada in a “I’m pinching your head” sort of way. I don’t want to spoil it for you, but he fails.

Timbaland illustrates for the girl the size of his manly prostate.

Boob shot.

More of the soccer players. Recall that they’re playing soccer in the sewers. During a Timbaland music video. Wearing fancy-pants.

The sewer is quite pungent. It stings the nostrils!

“Here, Timbaland, smell my breath.”

I don’t want to be alarmist, but she might have gingivitis!

“Hey, where’d the ball go?”

It’s with God now, boys.

Ball smash! This is a metaphor for what the girl is going to do to Timbaland’s balls. It is not a subtle metaphor.

It strikes me that the girl is the only one in this video that’s actually having fun shooting a music video.

Timbaland is too busy striking god-like poses to have fun.

I guess Timbaland’s god-like poses actually work to seduce women in sewers. Who woulda thunk it?

Timbaland is hella baked, yo.

Hella. Baked. Yo.

Requisite sexy thigh rub. Also, note that this bitch be married!

Now all the soccer players have their own balls to play with.

Weeeeeeeeee!

Timbaland is an ass freak.

Some other guy?

Some other guy, now with hat?

As the video progresses the narrative sort of falls apart. I really have no idea what the hell is happening here. I don’t think they were working off of a fully fleshed out screenplay. My guess is they were using a doodle on a napkin. Or an issue of “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.”

Timbaland’s Armada has totally freaked the fuck out.

I’m not kidding. The guy is trippin’ balls.

Now Timbaland’s Armada wants to suckle from a a teat. Also note that the chick is a camera whore.

Seriously, Timbaland’s Armada wants a teat and he doesn’t care who’s.

This girl can’t dance.

She can, however, do a spot-on impression of a blow-up doll. Is nice!

I’m not fucking with you, this video is ass full of soccer players. Look, I like soccer as much as the next guy, but what the fuck is going on?

Soccer, it seems, is the loneliest sport.

You know, aside from competitive masturbation.

Timbaland’s Armada has no game.

Incidentally, this is the thumbnail that you see on the iTunes Store. So clearly, iTunes needs help telling the difference between Timbaland and his Armada. Here’s an easy guide:

Timbaland = batshit crazy voodoo master.

Timbaland’s Armada = schmuck who’s tripping balls.

I told you he was an ass freak.

The video ends anti-climactically soon thereafter.