A week from today the show “Heroes” has it’s second-season premiere on NBC. I’ve been critical of the first season of “Heroes” in the past, but I still have hope for the show. I think it’s a great concept that, if used effectively, could make for a really awesome season of television. As such, I’ve compiled a list of thing that I’d like to see happen in this second season of “Heroes,” things that I think will take the show to the next level — the one currently occupied by “America’s Next Top Model.”
1. More (and Hotter) Babes
Less Clea Duvall, more gloobs with guns!
Look, I don’t to be mean, but, with all due respect, how the hell does Clea Duvall keep getting work? I thought only pretty people were supposed to be on television. I mean, yeah, I understand that you’re going to eventually come across a charity case, but isn’t that what Sandra Oh is for?
What “Heroes” needs is some really smoking hot babes. Ali Larter is OK, but I think there’s a lot of room for growth here. I’m talking specifically about growth in the boobical region.
2. Awesome Super Villain(s)
I realize to be Fair and Balanced™ I should mention that there’s evil of Dick Cheney’s caliber amongst Democrats, but honestly Dick Cheney looks like the kind of guy who’d bite someone’s balls off in a bar fight… which in all but the most extreme cases is totally uncalled for.
I’ve previously mentioned how lame Sylar is, and they’ve already hinted that this season will feature a more frightening, more evil villain. No information seems to have come out about him yet, but I’m hoping for someone really, truly malevolent, like some kind of genetically engineered cyborg killing machine that’s an amalgam of Nigerian scammers, Islamo-facist jihadists, Nazi’s, Communists, and dog rapists. Or Dick Cheney.
3. Thinning the Hero Herd
Honestly, I’m tempted to get rid of the cheerleader, too. The only reason I’m going to keep her is that she’s legal now, so maybe there’ll be some hot cheerleader on chick from Varsity Blues action this season.
My biggest complaint about the comic book “X-men” was that as time went on there were revealed to be thousands (if not millions) of mutants running around the planet, and the more people with super-duper powers, the less special the individual X-men became. Last season “Heroes” played some lip service to this idea in the episode “Five Years Gone,” where the lame villain Sylar reveals his ultimate plan to get rid of all the other people with powers so he’s the most special little butterfly in the world. Problem is, in spite of that self awareness, they keep adding more and more people with super powers to the show.
I say, get rid of everyone except the funny Japanese guy, the chick from Varsity Blues, the cheerleader, and the sorta Persian guy who’s married to the Dixie Chick and kill everyone else off in the season premiere. I don’t care about the Japanese guy’s worthless (and powerless) sidekick, or little girl who won’t shut up about the Boogie Man, or Clea Duvall. I just want a couple of people with kick ass super powers kicking ass.
4. No More Being Pussies With Your Powers
Ever see that “Family Guy” episode where the Griffin’s are exposed to toxic waste, gain super powers, then become totally drunk with power? Yeah, “Heroes” should totally be like that.
Which reminds me: how about this season people stop being little cry-babies bitches and use their powers for some serious crime-fighting. If I had super strength I would go door to door super sucker-punching every asshole that looks at me funny. (That’s crime fighting, right?). I’m sick and tired of people boo-hooing the fact that they have extraordinary god-like powers. Seriously people, catch a clue.
5. Someone Needs a Hero-Mobile
While you’re at it, how about giving someone a cool ride. No, an Indian guy driving around in a taxi doesn’t count. I mean something like a Bat- and/or Weiner-Mobile.
6. A Story That Makes Sense
“Save the cheerleader, save the world”? How about, “Actually do something, not bore Nima”? I realize coming up with good stories is hard, but here’s one for you: the four remaining “Heroes” travel to Uzbekistan to stop the evil cyborg Nigerian Islamo-facist Nazi Communist dog rapists/Dick Cheney from using their/his weather dominator machine to flood New York and hold the world hostage. Makes perfect sense, is interesting, and easily turned in 22 episodes.
Man, I should totally be writing for television.
Tags: Heroes
Nima, this list is a winner. Spot on. Although, I’ve had a special place in my heart (and loins) for Clea Duvall ever since Carnivale.
Also, please to be putting a big red ‘X’ over the face of Nathan Petrelli. I prefer my actors to be somewhat less stoic than Stone Phillips.
I hear ya, but unfortunately he’s at least half-Persian which means that I’m genetically forbidden from hatin’ — unless takes a bath in cheap cologne, puts on a couple gold chains, unbuttons his shirt down to his nipples, jumps into his black BMW, and drives up and down the street at 5 mph blasting crappy Persian rap while hitting girls in the next lane over.
“Carnivale” was my favorite show I didn’t understand.
um wow you are seriously pathetic if all you care about is how hot people are. if you really liked the show than none of this crap you wrote should matter. and if you dont like the show, then stop watching. it doesnt need your”support” anyways.