Movies I Love, But Know I Shouldn’t

1. Elektra

I hated the movie Daredevil, have never read a single comic book with the character of Elektra in it, and never watched the show “Alias” or been a fan of any kind of Jennifer Garner’s.

This is by all reasonable definitions a terrible movie. Jennifer Garner isn’t nearly as hot as she needs to be to pull off this role, there’s a pre-teen girl in the movie that is oppressively annoying, Shang Tsung from the Mortal Kombat movie and General Zod show up for no reason, there’s a razor thin plot that makes absolutely no sense in the absence of a monumental backstory that they never bother to share with us, and the fight scenes are poorly directed with far too many quick indecipherable cuts. This film doesn’t have a single redeeming quality.

Yet, I can’t not watch this film. If it shows up on FX — which happens at least fifteen times a day — I stop and watch it, and then when there’s a commercial I switch away (because I hate commercials¹) and then after thirty to sixty seconds I switch back to and continue watching this horrible, horrible movie. It’s a sickness.

2. Legally Blonde

I’m neither a gay man nor a teenaged girl, so there’s no reason I should watch, let alone enoy, let alone friggin’ love, this movie. But I do. It’s one of those movies that I can watch over and over again and find equally delightful each time. It’s like eating gumdrops. I know they’re bad for me, but they’re so tasty. Like little candy boobs.

But seriously, I’m not gay.

3. Van Helsing

This is the less reputable of the leather-clad Kate Beckinsale vampire-vs-werewolf B-list action movies (the Underworld films being the other ones). She’s hot in the film, of course, but that doesn’t compensate for how painfully bad the movie is. The story is infantile, at best, and it’s directed by Stephen Sommers who directed the terrible Mummy movies. Yeah, those movies with Encino Man² in them. And let’s be clear, in comparison to this film The Mummy Returns is a directorial masterpiece.

The hero of the film, Van Helsing, is so dim-witted that I wonder if he might actually be handicapped³, and the villain, Dracula, is the most uncool vampire ever to appear in film⁴. It also features the lamest Frankenstein’s monster I’ve ever seen, and I have seen the movie Monster Squad. A monster movie with asshat monsters is totally worthless.

But like all the films on this list, I really enjoy watching this movie. I guess that the lameness of the villains is offset by the lameness of the heroes, and the effect kinda counter acts each other, which is weird because I always just assumed lameness was additive. My brain just shuts off and I’m mesmerized by the flickering lights. Also, Kate Beckinsale is still pretty friggin’ hot.

4. Jason X

I know the difference between a good movie and a bad movie. Jason X, the tenth film in the Friday the 13th series, is a bad movie. It’s set in the distant future, in space, and Jason gets turned into a cyborg. You’d think a cross between Friday the 13th and Robocop (in space) would be totally freakin’ awesome, but it’s not. It’s actually terrible. Like combining mashed potatoes and sex. In space.

Now, you might wonder where Jason X falls into the pantheon of Friday the 13th films. Well, it’s better than Friday the 13th Part VIII in which Jason goes to New York⁵, but definitely not as good as Friday the 13th Part VII in which Jason fought a chick with telekinetic abilities⁶

What separates Jason X from all the other Friday the 13th films — you know, aside from being set in space and shit — is that it is unapologetically and deliberately campy. I’m pretty sure the film makers set out to make the stupidest horror movie they could, and yeah, they were totally successful. It’s way postmodern. I think.

Anyway, I’m a sucker for sucky cyborg slasher horror films set in space.

5. War, Cradle 2 the Grave, The One, and every other crappy Jet Li movie

Jet Li fucking sucks. I’m sorry, but that’s all there is to say about that. He just does. My Chinese college buddies may keep jizzing there pants over him, but let’s cut the crap — he’s no Jackie Chan. Turns out, he’s not even a Jason Statham. He keeps making these idiotic movie where he walks around and doesn’t speak English properly. I mean, what the hell! Buy some of those damn Rosetta Stone language teaching things for Christ’s sake.

So why the hell do I keep watching these movies? I don’t know. I fucking watched Cradle 2 the Grave. It stars DMX. D-friggin’-MX. And so help me I would watch it again. Without beer. I would watch the hell out of that movie. And then I’d watch Hero. Have you seen Hero? I don’t want to spoil it, but you see the same Asian asshole die four times. In different colors. Do the colors mean something? I asked Asian people and they didn’t even know. I hate that movie, but I keep watching it. Each time the guy dies I think, “Why, God, why? Why am I not watching Marked for Death instead?” Steven Seagal is the balls!

I need help. Also, more money. That’s a tangential point, however. Mostly I need to stop watching these terrible, terrible movies.

1. Except for those awesome Burger King commercials with The King being hella creepy and giving people delicious sandwiches.↩
2. I remember seeing this movie in the theater and loving every minute of it. Clearly, as a child I was a moron.↩
3. He’s also a rip off of D, from the anime-tastic Vampire Hunter D↩
4. For reference sake, the coolest vampire in a movie ever has to be George Hamilton in Love at First Bite.↩
5. I maintain that the greatest movie ever would be a combination of Friday the 13th Part VIII and Muppets Take Manhattan — Jason vs the Muppets: Battle For Manhattan.↩
6. This is the Friday the 13th that features the infamous “teens making out in sleeping bag getting smashed against a tree” kill.↩