Seriously, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Yeah, I get that Tim Kring admitted that he screwed some things up and that the show’s writers were probably worried about going on strike, but is anyone at NBC even watching this show to see if it makes any sense?!

1. What the Hell Happened to the Haitian?

One minute he’s teamed up with HRG to take down The Company, and then when he might actually be useful to the story he disappears. I mean, HRG’s family is being hunted by The Company, they have his daughter, they’ve sent a super-powered sociopath to kill him, but he’s going to give the Haitian the day off? If evil super-powered assholes were after me and my family I’d have the badass guy who can neutralize anyone’s super-power nearby. Like, I’d let him stay in the freaking guest-room. I’d cook him waffles in the morning. We’d hang out, like all the time.

Granted, they pulled this same crap at the end of season 1, but, you know, fool me once…

2. If You Travel to the Future With Your Girlfriend and You Accidentally Leave Her There Why Don’t You Just Go Back and Get Her?

Am I smoking crack, or does Peter have some high-grade learning disability we need to know about? If you jump to a disease-filled dystopian future and accidentally leave your girlfriend there why would you be obsessed with preventing it from becoming disease-filled and dystopian? Why wouldn’t you just go back and get her? You know, since fifteen minutes after you returned to the present you regained all your memories and realized you have the power to travel through fucking time.

Or, at the very least, when the little Japanese guy who you know for a fact can travel through time shows up you could say, “Hey, so, like, I totally accidentally left this chick in a disease-filled dystopian future. Could you, like, go pick her up before they send her to a dystopian concentration camp or something?” It’s not like the little Japanese guy doesn’t speak English — he just told you the Neil Patrick Harris look-a-like you’re hanging out with killed his dad. FYI.¹

3. Didn’t Kensei Swear Revenge on Hiro?

Did my brain just invent that scene? I don’t think so, because it was pretty poorly written even for my brain. So Kensei did swear revenge on Hiro. Then Kensei lived for 400 more years, changed his name to Adam Monroe, and forgot all about taking revenge on Hiro. I mean, Adam’s evil master plan had nothing to do with Hiro, he had other reasons for killing Hiro’s dad, and when Hiro is knocked out and laying in front of him while Peter storms off Adam does zip to take his revenge on him. You remember, the revenge that he swore he would take.

4. Are These Assholes Actually Going to Do Something Heroic?

Look, heroism is not changing your mind at the last minute and not releasing a deadly virus that will kill 90% of the human population even though you’ve spent the last five episodes doing your best to release it because you’re a moron. Heroism is also not dragging your mom to a tenement to save your idiot cousin who decided to try and get your comic books back from thugs who stole them only to be captured and tied up in spite of having super-powered Kung-Fu skills, especially if your mom ends up dying in an explosion so that your idiot cousin can live (you’re losing a mom, but gaining an idiot cousin that you already had).

The only actual act of heroism I’ve witnessed since Heroes came back on the air was when the pan-sorority swim team’s bus got lost and the girls needed a place to stay so I let them stay at my place and the next morning I drove them to compete in nationals and they won first place because of my rousing and inspirational speech in the girl’s locker room before the meet. Also, there was some sex in there somewhere. Hot sex. Sans pants!

5. Wasn’t Peter not Able to Control His Nuclear Powers?

Season 1 finale, Peter nearly blows up half of New York City because he can’t control his powers.

Season 2 finale, Peter uses his nuclear power to irradiate and incinerate the deadly dystopian-future-causing virus, which, incidentally, is the first time he’s used his nuclear power since he almost blew up the city because he can’t control his frakking powers!

6. Maya’s Brother Didn’t Have Some Kind of Power of His Own?

The entire friggin’ season the stupid ass Wonder Twins were running around trying to get to New York because Maya’s insta-kill power could only be controlled by holding hands with her ugly-ass brother — who seemed to be sucking he power into himself or something — and then we find out — just kidding! — she could control her power all along and her brother gets stabbed to death by the bad guy?

WHAT?!

It’s bad enough I had to watch this sorry-ass road trip in the first place, but I’m almost positive Maya’s brother had some kind of power of his own. He was unaffected by her evil death power, and there was that visual effect where her creepy black eyes would transfer to him when her powers would stop. What the hell was that?

7. So, Like, No One Can Die?

HRG was dead. The Company transported his corpse to their secret facility, took his clothes off, hooked him up to an IV of his daughter’s blood, and he comes back to life. Sooooo… when Nathan gets shot three times in the chest I’m supposed to care because…? His brother, who can also heal, is literally cradling his body. Can’t he just pop a vein and bring his brother back right there at the press conference? Wouldn’t that, you know, kill two birds with one stone since they want the world to know they have super-powers?

Oh, that’s right, Peter’s mentally retarded. Sorry, I forgot.

8. Blood Can Heal People?

Wait, didn’t these powers have something to do with the brain? Didn’t Claire (and Peter) die when their brains were punctured? What the hell does blood now have to do with anything? Now look, I’m not suggesting they should be using brain juice to heal people, but an occasional spinal tap would make sense. It’d take the show all the way to 11 (yeah, I went there).

9. Is Nathan a Congressman or What?

He spent the entire season just farting around, occasionally with an Al Qaeda looking beard, but when he wants to throw a press conference in Texas all the major news outlets in the state show up? So is this asshole still a Congressman or not? And if he’s not, why the hell not? I mean, aside from the fact the beard thing.

And in a related note, what happened to his wife who was paralyzed and then was healed so she could walk again? I mean, did anyone notice that she could walk all of a sudden? No one wondered about that? At all? Anybody?

10. Why Did I Watch This Fucking Show?

I have no one to blame but myself. And Tim Kring.

I am left with an overwhelming sense of, “WTF was that?!” There’s bad, and then there’s incomprehensibly bad. Heroes leapt past that — it has become the islamo-facist of TV shows. Somewhere on Earth a baby seal is being raped by a walrus, and I’m pretty sure Heroes is to blame. Heroes punches teenaged girls in the balls. Heroes is a no good.

So when does Battlestar Galactica start up?

1. Elena, a Spanish woman we used to work with, once told us a story about how she would get emails from her boss that would end with “FYI,” and she didn’t know what that stood for, So she guessed it meant, “fucking you idiot!” That’s how I mean it here.↩