Dear Robert Scoble,

I recently came across a very disturbing photograph that I’d like to talk to you about. The photograph in question is the following:

Let me be perfectly clear, so as to avoid any confusion on this particular topic: WHAT THE DOOCE ARE YOU DOING WITH MY COUSIN?!

That’s right — the girl you’re getting jiggy with in that picture is my kid cousin Rana. And know that when you mess around with Rana, you mess around with me, and the full unbridled equinoxy fury of this blog. Are you peeing your pants? Oh, you will be.

Now, I understand that you were both at CES — her because she’s doing marketing for WashingtonVC, and you because you’re a nerd — but don’t be getting any ideas in that gimongous head of yours. She is my kid cousin, and I don’t want any funny business.

Oh, yeah, Scoble, I know all about you. I know how you totally have a thing for Persian chicks, and, obviously, being related to me means that my cousin is genetically predisposed to being totally frickin’ awesome (also: to totally rockin’ out to Lynyrd Skynyrd), but seriously, you’re old. And, quite frankly, kinda creepy. I mean, in that picture you’re dressed all in black, wearing a T-shirt that reads “i play with Dolls,” and you’re practically rubbing your man-boob in Rana’s face. And I’m guessing you stole that Diet Coke from the hotel mini-bar. You know they charge you for that? Like four dollars. What are you? Nuts?

Understand this, Scoble, if I find out you’ve been crushing on my cousin, so help me, I will fly my ass up to the Bay Area and karate chop you into next Tuesday. I hold a white belt in both Tae Kwon Do and Jiujitsu, plus I watched them do one of those Tae Bo classes at the gym, so I’m a force to be reckoned with. And don’t think I can’t find you. I know my way around Palo Alto. I used to live up there… well, actually my parents were in Menlo Park for two years while I was away to college, but I totally know my way around the Cupertino/Santa Clara area, so it’d be better if you hung out around there for a while just so I don’t get lost… ooooh, actually, you mind hanging out around Valley Fair Mall, because there’s this great Falafel place, Falafel Drive-In, right around the corner from there that I really love, and I’ve got some Christmas presents I totally need to return to Nordstrom’s.

So in conclusion, STAY AWAY FROM MY FAMILY! I will not tolerate you using your “scobleizer” on my cousin. Or my Mom. That’s, like, super-gross, dude. Know that I’ll be watching you, and the minute you step over the line, I will be there, like white on Persian rice. You better watch out, ’cause if you see someone that looks like this coming down the street, you better run.

Yours truly,

Nima Yousefi
Hunky Defender of Cousins

PS: You know why you’re sick now? Because Jesus is trying to tell you something. Think about it!