Collected from RottenTomatoes.com:
“Imagine how the world might be changed if people could instantaneously transport themselves anywhere… If you can, you have more imagination than the people behind [this].” – Daniel M. Kimmel, Worcester Telegram & Gazette
That is one of the kinder reviews.
“Given its uninvolving story, uninteresting characters and the presence of half-man/half-tree Hayden Christensen, the movie is wholly dependent on special effects, which I rate only so-so.” – Jack Mathews, New York Daily News
Many critics called Christensen wooden; only Jack Mathews was brave enough to suggest it’s because Christensen’s dad fucked a pine-cone.
“You have to take everything for granted in Jumper, including the idea that Christensen and Rachel Bilson could show human emotions.” – Lawrence Toppman, Charlotte Observer
Ok, now this is fucking funny.
“Jumper, based on the novel by Steven Gould, re-defines — downward — the notion of dreadful. It does so by dispensing with everything a movie needs for a shot at being merely awful.” – Joe Morgenstern, Wall Street Journal
That is to say, Jumper aspires to be The 13th Warrior.
“I can’t see people lining up for a sequel — unless Samuel Jackson’s hair grows out and marches on Tokyo.” – David Edelstein, New York Magazine
Sorry, but that’s the plot for Cloverfield 2.
“Liman’s movie candy is philistine, banal and lacks surrealist thrill. His sci-fi, quasi-political allegory is like an X-Men or Hulk narrative told from the ass end.” – Armond White, New York Press
And keep in mind that Hulk is freakin’ dog-shit.
“So freakin’ awful.” – Richard Corliss, TIME Magazine
That pretty much just sums it up.
And yeah, I still totally want to see this movie!