‘Boarding Gate’ Review
Short Version
Blah blah blah, Asia Argento shows us her boobies, blah blah blah, Asia Argento walks around Michael Madsen’s house for 10 minutes in her undies, blah blah blah, Asia Argento goes to China, the end.
Long Version
Let’s go over this one more time: the box cover of this movie depicts Asia Argento in her sexy black underwear, holding a gun with a silencer, and generally looking like she’s about to do something reeeeaallllyyyy naughty. Based on that one would think that the movie would be exciting or thrilling or mysterious or at least interesting, but no, this movie is actually dogshit.
Boarding Gate is wall-to-wall talking. And we’re not dealing with the interesting kind of talking you might find in a movie like Bound or The Punisher or something. No, this is inane, hella lame talking. “Where’s the invoice?” “Here.” “It’s missing a part.” “It comes in tomorrow.” “Oh.” “Yeah.” “Thanks.” “OK.” “Good job.” “No problem.” That’s the entire fucking movie!
So what’s it about? Shit if I know. The plot is convoluted and pretentious and totally retarded. The best I could figure out is that Asia Argento is sleeping with Michael Madsen and some married asian dude who she works for, and then goes from France (which looks kind of like L.A.) to China (which kinda of looks like L.A.) after a bad coke deal. Due to all the stupid talking everything I just described took, like, three hours to happen. Well, maybe not three hours, but it sure as hell felt like three fucking hours. Dances with Wolves seemed to move faster than this flick.
– This movie is so fucking boring even Asia Argento couldn’t make it through the whole thing without passing out.
To add insult to the stupid-ass story, the film wasn’t even visually interesting to watch. How you set a film in France and China and make it uninteresting to look at is totally fucking inexplicable, but somehow director Olivier Assayas pulled it off. That’s some Uwe Boll-level shitty filmmaking there, buddy. Congrats!
– This is the most interesting shot of China in the movie. The dim sum joint I go to looks more Chinese than this. And there I get shrimp shumai!
Honestly, by the time Asia Argento finally pulls out her jugs I was so miserable I didn’t even think it was worth it. Yes, I’m saying that if I have to sit through a pile of shit like this movie to see Asia Argento’s naked boobies, then I don’t even want to see them. My not seeing Asia Argento’s naked breasts will result in my having a higher quality of life, as totally impossible as that sounds. Never in my wildests nightmares could I have imagined a world in which boobs would be presented to me and I would say, “No thank you.” WTF?!
But let’s be clear, this isn’t an indictment of Asia Argento’s titties–which are quite nice–but rather an indictment of this horribly boring movie.
– Yeah, it takes almost 24 minutes for her to whip those babies out, which is, like, 5 times longer than usual. In her defense, 15 minutes after this she pops one out again, you know, for the people who didn’t shoot themselves in the face because this movie is so goddamn stupid. Thanks, Asia Argento!
It’s only redeeming quality is that at one hilarious point Asia Argento walks around Michael Madsen’s house for a good ten minutes in only her underwear, saying and doing the most ridiculous stuff. “Get on the fucking floor!” “Shut up.” “I said shut up!” “I mean it! Shut up.” “I told you to shut up.” “Where do you keep the mustard?” Crap like that. It’s laugh out loud funny, but so clearly not meant to be.
And, really, that’s probably what the whole problem with this movie is–it is completely lacking any sense of humor or fun. It’s oppressively morose, boring, and way too self-important, but the entire cast is made up of bad actors. Michael Madsen? Hey, I love Species as much as the next guy, but Sir Anthony Hopkins he ain’t. Jazz it up a little bit guys. It’s not like you’re ever going to get an Oscar (let alone for shit like this). The whole movie is so lifeless that you can’t even get drunk and watch it. Weak.
In summation, DO NOT WATCH!!!!
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