Nima Yousefi's Equinox of Insanity

How Many Fucking Gs Do You Need?

So about a week ago Apple announced that they were releasing an update to the much loved computer in my pants iPhone. This “iPhone 3G” is basically the same as the original iPhone only smaller, lighter, and more G-ed up.

For those of you that aren’t as smart or as handsome as I am, let me explain how the G-ness of the iPhone 3G is important. First, you must realize that the original iPhone was merely 2G, and that 2Gs suck balls. That’s why the original iPhone is simply called “iPhone” and not “iPhone 2G.” You see, anything less than 3Gs are simply not worth mentioning. In fact, we’re all probably better off just pretending the 2G iPhone never even happened. Sort of like how we pretend The Muppet Movie never happened. I mean, seriously, does anyone even remember what the plot to that movie was? Ten bucks says you’re actually thinking of The Great Muppet Caper. That was the one with Charles Grodin in it. Personally I prefer The Muppets Take Manhattan, but there’s no analogy to be made between it and the iPhone.

Second, that extra G allows Internet stuff to be faster. I haven’t reviewed all the technical documentation yet, but I think that third G refers to a third invisible flying gnome, who, cooperatively with the two other invisible flying gnomes that came with the original iPhone, will retrieve Internet stuff your you quicker. They sort of work like Gwildor from the Masters of the Universe movie, except with the ill-explained musical tone-making thing that apparently he could only create two of and gave one to fucking Skeletor.

Now, what most commentators who’s penises are smaller than mine fail to mention is that the iPhone 3G is actually a grossly mislabeled product. For you see, not only does the iPhone 3G feature an additional G added to the original’s 2G, but it also features GPS. That’s right, folks… with the new iPhone you get a total of 4Gs. FOUR motherfucking Gs, people! You simply cannot get more G-ed out than that.

You would think that doubling the number of Gs in the iPhone would do something like double the price of the phone, but that’s because you’re not me, and therefore not a super good-looking genius. Defying logic – and a few of God’s natural laws – Steve Jobs has actually lowered the price of the iPhone from $599 (at it’s inflated introductory price a year ago) to $199! How is such a thing possible? Well, obviously Apple’s been ripping us all off. I’ve consulted all the usual Apple apologist websites, and not even they could come up with an excuse for Apple here. I mean, it’s really pretty simple: Apple has been having sex with our butts. Angry, loveless sex with our butts.

Anywhoo, some people have looked into the issue of pricing more closing, and have determined that while Apple has reduced the price of the iPhone (now with 3 or possibly 4 Gs), those douchebags at AT&T have raised their rates on the plans available for the iPhone 3G. Instead of paying an embarrassing $60 for a basic plan with data and voice and SMS and shit, you now must pay a like getting tea-bagged every day in high school by one of that weird freshman kid that just moved to town from Bangladesh and doesn’t even speak fucking English right $75 a month for the exact same plan. However, these people fail to do proper math (which is ironic since that kid from Bangladesh was really good at math). Let’s review, you’re paying only $15 a month more for double the Gs! That’s only $7.50 a G. Apple is giving you a bulk discount on Gs. Warren G couldn’t even get you a better discount on Gs. And, yeah, sure, as Apple’s market share increases it becomes increasingly likely that AT&T will also raise their rates, thereby inevitably screwing over everyone who has an iPhone, regardless of how many Gs they have, but the iPhone 3G now comes in black! So you’ll totally be able to tell how G-ed up an iPhone is just by looking at it, and you can therefore laugh and people of an inferior G-standing.

So in conclusion, the new iPhone 3G is G-tastic, and AT&T will undoubtedly also be having sex with our butts in the near future.