Nima Yousefi's Equinox of Insanity

Pants Optional

Notice anything interesting about the movie poster on the right?

If the movie is called Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, then how come none of these girls are wearing pants? Am I the only one who thinks that’s totally weird?

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a strong supporter of the Sans-Pants Lifestyle™, but I’d also like a little bit of truth in my advertising. I see no pants. Where are the pants? Show me the pants!

When I first pointed this strange omission out to my friends they remarked that it might be intended as something of a conversation starter. Sure, I can see that. The poster may have been designed to specifically make you wonder, “Hey, shouldn’t there be pants in this picture?” Is it because of the Mediterranean-looking locale? That would make sense. You don’t want to be wearing pants if it’s hot out. I mean, unless there’s an issue with bugs, in which case pants would be preferable. It’s also not fair to exclude pants that might have been designed with that specific climate in mind. An airy pair of pants would be fine, for example.

Alternately, the pants in question are more suited for going out at night. Maybe they’re sexy leather pants. I think the leggy blonde in the front could rock some leather pants. But if there’s any humidity then leather pants would get sticky and gross, which may become a plot point (like that hilarious episode of Friends where Ross got trapped in a pair of his own leather pants). Heck, it’s not inconceivable that the entire film deals with the conundrum of the sticky leather pants. I mean, why not?

One also might wonder: if they’ve forgone with the pants, what else aren’t these girls wearing? Hmmm.

The real problem, however, is that the marketing people at Warner Brothers (this film’s distributor) have missed a golden opportunity to draw in part of the male demographic. As it stands, there is nothing about this film that could possibly appeal to a non-castrated heterosexual dude, but if the title were changed to better reflect what appears to be the reality of the poster — something like Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: No Pants Required, or Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Commando Style, or Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2: Shaven Naked Flesh Aplenty — then, yeah, I think that would translate into an increase in box-office receipts. At the very least, there would be a lot more late-night TiVo-ing of the flick, provided the little paragraph of info in the guide doesn’t screw it up by mentioning something stupid, like that the chick with the giant forehead was on Gilmore Girls and therefore totally lame, just like Gilmore Girls (lameness is contagious, like herpes). That’s the key to a successful blockbuster: cross-over appeal. Give guys — specifically, horny guys who are too lazy to check online to find out what your stupid movie is about — a reason to see your film. Simple. Easy. Pantless.

The lesson here is to be mindful that the images and the words that are used in marketing material need to be cohesive, and if you put the word “pants” in the title of your film you should considering paying the wardrobe lady to go down to Macy’s and pick out a pair of frickin’ pants. Unless you’re making a porno.

What Every Review of ‘The Dark Knight’ Will Say

1. This is the best movie of the year.
2. This is arguably the best comic book movie ever made.
3. Heath Ledger will win, and most certainly deserves to win, an Oscar for his performance as the Joker.
4. This movie is intense, suspenseful, dramatic, gut-wrenching, brutal, funny, exciting, and an absolutely masterful work of art.
5. It’s run time is something like 2 hours 40 minutes, but it feels like a 90 minute movie.

Congratulations! You’ve just read, oh, just about every review that’ll come out for The Dark Knight. Just mix and match those to create your own review!

Seriously though, one could (and people surely will) write essays about how spectacular The Dark Knight is. Allocate some time after the film to sit down with your friends and/or loved-ones to discuss what you’ve just seen. You’ll want to talk it up.

Mucho thanks to Justin for getting me into tonight’s special IMAX screening of The Dark Knight.

‘Batman: Gotham Knight’ Review

Premise: A Batman animated film, produced by the creator of the great Batman: The Animated Series, done entirely in the style of Japanese anime.

I know what you’re thinking, “Sweeeeeeeet,” right?

WRONG!

First of all, this isn’t actually a film, it’s a series of short story vignettes that are loosely held together. Something that comes up in the third story, for example, is paid off at the end of the sixth, and shit like that. Cohesion is minor, and there’s no real story arc to reel you in as a viewer.

Worse, most of the stories will bore the shit out of you. I mean, your poo will literally try to crawl out of your anus to escape watching this thing. For example, the first story is about a bunch of kids sitting around telling stories about their supposed encounters with the Dark Knight, and at the end Batman actually shows up. Hmmm… wasn’t that the plot to one of the episodes of Batman: The Animated Series? It sucked the first time, but thanks.

In a weird move, they decided to have each story done in a completely different, though still very much anime, art style. As a result Batman looks totally different in each story, making it even more difficult to get into what you’re watching. This trick worked all right in The Animatrix, because there was almost no overlap between the stories, but here having each Batman look different really makes things tough. And, honestly, some of the Batmen look really bad.

– That’s supposed to be the same guy? Riiiiiiiiggggghhhht.

Yeah, so the first Batman is about 15 pounds overweight, the third Batman looks ridiculous, and the art in the forth Batman’s story is all-around terrible (plus he looks kinda like a pedophile). I wish they got the guys who did Heavy Metal to do some of the art. That would have been awesome.

In its defense, Batman: Gotham Knight features the voice work of the magnificent Kevin Conroy, who provided the voice for Batman in The Animated Series, Batman Beyond, and The Justice League. To me, his voice is as much Batman’s as Peter Cullen’s is Optimus Prime’s.

I’ll also say this, the last story is by far the best, and actually pretty good to watch. Titled “Deadshot,” the story revolves around the notorious assassin Deadshot coming to Gotham to spill some blood, and the inevitable face off between him and the Batman. The characters are spot on, the story is interesting, the animation is great, and it is full of action. Honestly, if the whole film was like this the movie would have been a home-run. But, alas, it really, really is not.

– Batman fights Deadshot on a choo choo train!

I just feel like mentioning, too, that the stories here are clearly in the Nolan Batman Begins universe, and not the Bruce Timm animated universe, though they jump through some hoops to try and obscure that (for reasons I can only guess). I’m not surprised they did that, but it’s not really used all that effectively. Whatever.

– For some reason this reminds me of Beavis and Butthead Do America, which was the last great animated movie I saw.

Through the Looking Glass

Day-after-Friday fun!

Here’s a video of the characters from the original Star Trek tripping out, set perfectly to the music of Jefferson Airplane.

I love The Shat.

‘Gears of War 2’ Footage

This has been around for a while, but some of you may not have seen the gameplay footage of the game Gears of War 2. Ignore the dork in the x-small t-shirt yapping in the beginning, and note the use of a Locust warrior as a meat shield at about 2:20. Also, if you’re unfamiliar with the game, know that the hero has a frickin’ chainsaw attached to his gun.

Did you notice the hero’s idiot sidekick cowering in the corner most of the time and generally being no help at all? Yeah, the first game was like that too. It’s nice when there’s consistence in a video game series. I mean, except when you’re trying to kill a giant prick with anus-mouth, then, yeah, it would be nice to not have a sidekick that’s a fuckwad.

The Twitter Fail Whale, for Reals

Hilary Talbot went ahead and made what appears to be a papier-mâché version of Twitter’s now legendary Fail Whale (the stupid picture you get every time Twitter is busted… which is, like, all the time).

I think that’s nifty.

Via Rana June.

DC Comics Oldies Now on iTunes

A bunch of classic DC Comics TV shows, including the legendary Batman the Animated Series, have now made their way onto iTunes. It’s only a couple seasons, at most, from some of these shows, but it’s a great start. In particular, I recommend the BtAS episode “Beware the Gray Ghost”, which sets up Bruce Wayne’s inspiration for Batman and features a familiar voice in a pivotal role (and which, incidentally, I was almost going to blog about this week…).

Or you can get some Superfriends episodes. Whatever floats your boat.

Yes We Can, But Maybe Not Like That

Follow these direction (trust me, it’s worth it):

1. Follow this link to Oregon’s Willamette Week newspaper’s voters’ guide.

2. Click on the photo that accompanies the article for an enlarged view.

3. Bask in the AWESOMENESS!!!

No thanks necessary. I’m just doing my job.

‘Boarding Gate’ Review

Short Version

Blah blah blah, Asia Argento shows us her boobies, blah blah blah, Asia Argento walks around Michael Madsen’s house for 10 minutes in her undies, blah blah blah, Asia Argento goes to China, the end.

Long Version

Let’s go over this one more time: the box cover of this movie depicts Asia Argento in her sexy black underwear, holding a gun with a silencer, and generally looking like she’s about to do something reeeeaallllyyyy naughty. Based on that one would think that the movie would be exciting or thrilling or mysterious or at least interesting, but no, this movie is actually dogshit.

Boarding Gate is wall-to-wall talking. And we’re not dealing with the interesting kind of talking you might find in a movie like Bound or The Punisher or something. No, this is inane, hella lame talking. “Where’s the invoice?” “Here.” “It’s missing a part.” “It comes in tomorrow.” “Oh.” “Yeah.” “Thanks.” “OK.” “Good job.” “No problem.” That’s the entire fucking movie!

So what’s it about? Shit if I know. The plot is convoluted and pretentious and totally retarded. The best I could figure out is that Asia Argento is sleeping with Michael Madsen and some married asian dude who she works for, and then goes from France (which looks kind of like L.A.) to China (which kinda of looks like L.A.) after a bad coke deal. Due to all the stupid talking everything I just described took, like, three hours to happen. Well, maybe not three hours, but it sure as hell felt like three fucking hours. Dances with Wolves seemed to move faster than this flick.

– This movie is so fucking boring even Asia Argento couldn’t make it through the whole thing without passing out.

To add insult to the stupid-ass story, the film wasn’t even visually interesting to watch. How you set a film in France and China and make it uninteresting to look at is totally fucking inexplicable, but somehow director Olivier Assayas pulled it off. That’s some Uwe Boll-level shitty filmmaking there, buddy. Congrats!

– This is the most interesting shot of China in the movie. The dim sum joint I go to looks more Chinese than this. And there I get shrimp shumai!

Honestly, by the time Asia Argento finally pulls out her jugs I was so miserable I didn’t even think it was worth it. Yes, I’m saying that if I have to sit through a pile of shit like this movie to see Asia Argento’s naked boobies, then I don’t even want to see them. My not seeing Asia Argento’s naked breasts will result in my having a higher quality of life, as totally impossible as that sounds. Never in my wildests nightmares could I have imagined a world in which boobs would be presented to me and I would say, “No thank you.” WTF?!

But let’s be clear, this isn’t an indictment of Asia Argento’s titties–which are quite nice–but rather an indictment of this horribly boring movie.

– Yeah, it takes almost 24 minutes for her to whip those babies out, which is, like, 5 times longer than usual. In her defense, 15 minutes after this she pops one out again, you know, for the people who didn’t shoot themselves in the face because this movie is so goddamn stupid. Thanks, Asia Argento!

It’s only redeeming quality is that at one hilarious point Asia Argento walks around Michael Madsen’s house for a good ten minutes in only her underwear, saying and doing the most ridiculous stuff. “Get on the fucking floor!” “Shut up.” “I said shut up!” “I mean it! Shut up.” “I told you to shut up.” “Where do you keep the mustard?” Crap like that. It’s laugh out loud funny, but so clearly not meant to be.

And, really, that’s probably what the whole problem with this movie is–it is completely lacking any sense of humor or fun. It’s oppressively morose, boring, and way too self-important, but the entire cast is made up of bad actors. Michael Madsen? Hey, I love Species as much as the next guy, but Sir Anthony Hopkins he ain’t. Jazz it up a little bit guys. It’s not like you’re ever going to get an Oscar (let alone for shit like this). The whole movie is so lifeless that you can’t even get drunk and watch it. Weak.

In summation, DO NOT WATCH!!!!

‘Countdown with Keith Olbermann’ Free on iTunes

MSNBC’s Countdown with Keith Olbermann is the most entertaining news commentary shows on TV, and now it’s available via iTunes in both audio and video format.

If you missed the show last week that had Jason Bateman on it, which featured a great random cameo by one of his Arrested Development co-stars, then your life is sad and meaningless. FYI.