Equinox of Insanity

That’s it, I’m convinced Heroes creator Tim Kring is murdering my soul on purpose, and that the success of the first season of the show was accidental. Great White Snark passed along an interview Tim Kring just gave TV Guide, and is has filled me with all kinds of Godless rage.

From the interview:

Immortal Adam was teleported by Hiro (Masi Oka) into a coffin buried in the same Japanese cemetery where his father Kaito (George Takei), who was slain by Adam, is also buried. “It’s poetic justice to have Adam end up in the same graveyard as Kaito,” Kring notes. “We’ve given the audience no reason to believe that Adam can figure a way to get out of there. The fact that he can live forever makes this the most gruesome of internments. If this happened to any of us, at least we’d know we’d soon have the mercy of death. Not here.”

No reason to believe he will escape? Have you seen Kill Bill Volume 2?! A fucking zombie can claw itself out of the ground in, like, a couple hours, you’re telling me this guy who can live forever is never going to get out of the coffin? Granted, his escape might be slowed by the fact that it won’t be fueled by a primal need to consume brains or a lust for revenge (oh, wait), but even taking that into account I’m fairly certain he can get out of that grave by the third fucking episode of season 3.

This is elementary bury-someone-alive mechanics here.

Witchy, bitchy Elle, who wound up saving the lives of Mohinder (Sendhil Ramamurthy), Maya (Dania Ramirez) and little Molly (Adair Tishler), clearly sparked when Mohinder called her a hero. “Kristen Bell gave us the perfect reaction in that scene,” Kring says. “For a moment there, Elle sees she’s been given an opportunity to use her powers in a good way. And she absolutely likes the sound of that word ‘hero.’”

Yes, turning your bad ass characters into do going pansies is exactly what you should be doing right now. It’s not like the characters of dubious motivation are always the most interesting ones. And by “not” I mean “most certainly absolutely are!”

Elle was interesting because she was so devilish. No one wants to have sex with do-gooders.

“We’ve introduced a cadre of them over the course of the show and we’re going to see them rise up,” Kring says. “Just as the heroes have found each other to save the world, the villains will do the same with the opposite intent.” And their numbers may be legion.

Given how heroic the “heroes” on the show are I completely expect the “villains” to spend most of season 3 helping to get kittens out of trees and walking back and forth between New York and Texas. How many fucking road trips can you have on one show?

And, look, the Legion of Doom doesn’t work. It killed Justice League Unlimited (in it’s third season, coincidentally). We don’t want fifteen pussy villains running around being lame, we want one super powered villain that’s smart and manipulative that require the heroes to band together to fight. Like Sylar in season 1, only smarter, or Adam in season 2, except not completely and totally lame. Just kill Peter and Sylar and add Magneto to the show. It will be awesome.

Will Sylar (Zachary Quinto) be their ringleader? After being electro-zapped by Elle, Mister Eyebrows escaped to a back alley and skeevily injected himself with Claire’s (Hayden Panettiere) blood. Then, in a wicked salute to Popeye, he telekinetically grabbed a can of spinach and said, “I’m back!” “Sylar getting his power back does not bode well for our heroes,” says Kring

I didn’t bring this up in my previous post, but let me see if I understand this correctly: Sylar gets hit with a bolt of Elle’s bioelectric fury, crashes through a window, and then still manages to outrun Elle, because she has a broken arm? She has a long range projectile attack! Sylar had no powers! What is wrong with you?!!

Setting that aside and getting more serious for a moment, let’s talk about what should have happened.

You have Sylar in the alleyway shooting up with the super-healing blood. He then sees his wounds magically heal before his eyes. Then he focuses on an empty can of spinach in across the alley. He reaches for it, summoning up his long dormant power. The can telekinetically flies into his hand. He smiles and says, “I’m back,” in that douchey way Quinto has mastered.

Then you hear in the distance something like, “About damn time.” Sylar leaps to his feet looking down the alley for the source. “Who said that?” he demands to know as the camera pulls in on his sneering face. Then we hear a faintly familiar sound, and we see a rush a blood stream down Sylar’s face. His eyes go blank as he collapses out of frame, revealing a dark and foreboding character standing behind him (preferably a really hot chick, because the show still needs more of those), who smiles and answers Sylar’s question with something like, “Your superior.” Hell, have her say “It’s Miller time!¹” Whatever.

THAT IS HOW YOU FUCKING INTRODUCE A NEW VILLAIN!

So to review:

1. Legion of Doom = bad
2. Mysterious and diabolical new villain who’s first appearance might not really make any sense but is still awesome = very good!

If you cannot get these basic storytelling concepts down then I highly suggest to you, Tim Kring, that you pack it in and just let the show end without subjecting us to more of this crap. You are raping and killing my inner-geek. Please stop.

1. An obvious reference to Howard Miller, the clock manufacturer.↩

That is to say: the episode was incredibly boring to watch — bordering on mind-numbingly so — yet if you make a list of what happened it sounds totally awesome. Let’s review:

1. We find out D.L.¹ is dead. Whoo-hoo!
2. Peter kicks some ass and decides he wants to be a hooligan.
3. Sylar kills the-mutant-formerly-known-as-Candice. Whoo-hoo!
4. Sylar tries to steal the-mutant-formerly-known-as-Candice’s power and fails.
5. We find out H.R.G. has been marked for death. Probably by Claire’s new boyfriend (but maybe not… it’s mysterious).
6. Uhura from “Star Trek” shows up, but, sadly, sans fan dance.
7. Finally, the preview for the next episode looks exciting and action-packed. Of course, it will be neither of those things.

Sounds great, right? So why was the episode so freaking boring? Because I left out all the idiotic and utterly uninteresting crap that was globbed all over the episode.

Nikki is sick? WOW! I didn’t see that coming from the preview that aired two fucking weeks ago. Kensei fights 90 angry samurai and survives? That might have been more exciting if it wasn’t established last week that he was invulnerable. That crap with the wonder-twins trying to get to America? I’ll let you know when I start to care. Also, I get that the girl has some weird people killing power and the guy has some equally weird people unkilling power, so you don’t have to show it to me again unless you’re going to explain to me what’s happening.

And so on.

Basically, the episode was full of uninteresting crap I don’t care about, with a few choice nuggets sprinkled around, and an awesome cliffhanger. Unfortunately, this is how season one started too, and it totally sucks.

Dear Tim Kring, it’s called editing! The last two episodes could easily have been condensed into one. Hell, Joss Whedon probably could have covered all three of this season’s episodes in a single show. Stop dicking around and get to the point. Please.

BTW, this is why I recommended thinning the herd.

Hopefully the next episode will introduce the real villain of the show, and then maybe shit will start happening. If not, I’m out! No más.

You like how I through some Spanish in there? That’s to show you my sexy Latin flavor. Oh yeah.

1. Contrary to what I wrote in my previous post, I do support putting periods in the abbreviations of names.↩

Long story short: Heroes got off to a laughably pathetic start. Granted, last season the show hit it’s high point about half way through (“Company Man”, “Five Years Gone”, “Parasite” = excellent television), but it’s not looking good. Here’s why…

1. They’re already repeating powers

What the hell?! It’s the first episode of the second season and they’ve already introduced a new character that has the exact same power as someone else. Two people that can fly? Really? Like, you couldn’t give the new guy the power to shoot laser beams out of his eyes, or the power to manipulate water, or the power to use his freaking imagination and come up with a power that some other jackass on the show doesn’t already have?

2. Ripping off Superman Returns is never a good sign

Speaking of flying guy, the reveal of his power is a total rip off of that creepy scene in Superman Returns where Superman hangs outside Lois Lane’s window and watches her every move. Yeah, that’s great, not only does the new guy have the exact same power as someone else but he’s a fucking stalker too.

3. An epsidoe with no Ali Larter?

FYI, if you didn’t have so many characters running around you could focus on the ones that are smokin’ hot. All summer I was waiting to see how Nikki uses her power of super-strength to be a better stripper. That’s how it works, right? The stronger the woman, the more potent the stripping. I read that in a biology textbook.

Did I say biology textbook? I meant my pants. Yeah, you heard me.

4. Excessive roof tackles

In season one what’s-his-face-with-the-stupid-hair saves the cheerleader by tackling the villain and falling off the roof of the high school. In last night’s episode Sulu gets it by getting tackled off a roof.

Look, I realize it’s hard to come up with new and interesting ways for people to die… oh, wait, no it isn’t. How about instead of tackling him you had someone shoot him with a musket? I haven’t seen that in a while. Or how if the murder had the diabolical power to tickle someone to death?

I mean, put some fucking elbow grease into this writing thing, “Heroes” staff writers.

5. Everyone got divorced

Yes, I appreciate the fact that you’re trying to get rid of extra (useless) characters, but having everyone get inexplicably divorced four months after the events of the season finale is totally lame. And the two guys who got divorced both had cliffhangers relating to their wives: Parkman’s wife was pregnant with what was foretold to be a super-powered kid, and Nathan’s crippled wife was healed so she could walk again.

But yeah, it makes sense that as soon as your crippled wife can walk you’d divorce her sorry no-longer-crippled ass. And grow a beard. Right-o.

6. Didn’t someone get elected to public office?

I realize being a Congressman is a bullshit job, but shouldn’t Nathan, you know, not be drunk and not be spending all his time in New York? Am I the only person who remembers him winning that election. By cheating. I thought it was sort of a major plotpoint that began in the very first episode of the show.

Maybe the wife got the job in the divorce?

7. Mohinder’s apartment

OK, this is serious. In season one Mohinder moves to America, gets a job as a cab driver, and moves into his murdered father’s old apartment. Immediately thereafter a strange and evil guy shows up and tries to plant a bug in the apartment, clearly indicating to Mohinder that evil people know exactly where he lives. Of course, because biology Ph.D.s from Indian are all morons, Mohinder stays in the apartment for the rest of the season. Even after more mysterious people who he doesn’t trust show up possibly to kill him. Also keep in mind that at the end of the season Mohinder is nearly killed in that apartment by Sylar, who then trashes the place. Oh yeah, and the apartment is in a tenement that never gets direct sunlight.

So season two opens with Mohinder back in India, which is great for him because whatever the housing situation is in India it has to be better that that place in New York, but then we find out Parkman is living in Mohinder’s shitty apartment, with a little girl he rescued. Rescued from the same people who already know where Mohinder’s apartment is. Which, you will recall, is a rat infested dump with poor lighting.

You’re NBC’s only hit show, I think you can put a little pressure on them to build you some new fucking sets. Unless of there’s a really important reason for having the little girl and Parkman living in that apartment. Like, that they get AIDS from living there. That would make sense.

8. Hiro is a pussy again

Hiro’s character arch in season one was to go from a naive Japanese geek to being a courage Japanese warrior, and season two starts off with Hiro being a naive Japanese geek again. He shows up in feudal Japan comes face to face with a white asshole who Hiro knows to be a super-duper hero and all Hiro does is follow the guy around and beg him to be a hero instead of an asshole. Keep in mind that Hiro can stop time, teleport anywhere he want, is now a master swordsman, and sorta almost killed the super-villain Sylar at the end of season one.

Again, there’s an issue of creativity here, guys. I already saw him go from zero to Hiro (HA!) once, I don’t want to see it again.

9. No awesome super-powered action

There’s one scene at the end of the episode where Peter shoots someone with a bolt of energy. Yeah, that’s great, but nothing else happens in the episode. No fights. No inappropriate use of one’s super-power. No hot stripper action.

I’ve said it before, but Sky High had way more super-powered action than “Heroes” ever has.

10. What the fuck actually happened in the season finale?!

Why isn’t Sylar dead? Why isn’t Nathan dead? Why did Nathan and his Mom think Peter was dead? Why did The Company just let Parkman take Molly and keep her? Why did Grandma Petrelli just let Claire get away with the Bennets? Why did Hiro teleport four hundred years into the past? What was going on with Peter having a heart-to-heart with the previously deceased John Shaft? How the hell did Parkman survive four bullets to the chest when there’s no indication that medical attention was administered in a timely fashion? What happened to Clea Duvall’s stupid FBI character? Wasn’t the black guy from “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” season four mortally wounded? What’s the story with Sulu? Why am I still watching this show after such a weak-ass finale?

I realize you can’t just reveal everything in the first episode, but how about you throw me a fucking bone, Tim Kring? Thanks.

A week from today the show “Heroes” has it’s second-season premiere on NBC. I’ve been critical of the first season of “Heroes” in the past, but I still have hope for the show. I think it’s a great concept that, if used effectively, could make for a really awesome season of television. As such, I’ve compiled a list of thing that I’d like to see happen in this second season of “Heroes,” things that I think will take the show to the next level — the one currently occupied by “America’s Next Top Model.”

1. More (and Hotter) Babes

Less Clea Duvall, more gloobs with guns!

Look, I don’t to be mean, but, with all due respect, how the hell does Clea Duvall keep getting work? I thought only pretty people were supposed to be on television. I mean, yeah, I understand that you’re going to eventually come across a charity case, but isn’t that what Sandra Oh is for?

What “Heroes” needs is some really smoking hot babes. Ali Larter is OK, but I think there’s a lot of room for growth here. I’m talking specifically about growth in the boobical region.

2. Awesome Super Villain(s)

I realize to be Fair and Balanced™ I should mention that there’s evil of Dick Cheney’s caliber amongst Democrats, but honestly Dick Cheney looks like the kind of guy who’d bite someone’s balls off in a bar fight… which in all but the most extreme cases is totally uncalled for.

I’ve previously mentioned how lame Sylar is, and they’ve already hinted that this season will feature a more frightening, more evil villain. No information seems to have come out about him yet, but I’m hoping for someone really, truly malevolent, like some kind of genetically engineered cyborg killing machine that’s an amalgam of Nigerian scammers, Islamo-facist jihadists, Nazi’s, Communists, and dog rapists. Or Dick Cheney.

3. Thinning the Hero Herd

Honestly, I’m tempted to get rid of the cheerleader, too. The only reason I’m going to keep her is that she’s legal now, so maybe there’ll be some hot cheerleader on chick from Varsity Blues action this season.

My biggest complaint about the comic book “X-men” was that as time went on there were revealed to be thousands (if not millions) of mutants running around the planet, and the more people with super-duper powers, the less special the individual X-men became. Last season “Heroes” played some lip service to this idea in the episode “Five Years Gone,” where the lame villain Sylar reveals his ultimate plan to get rid of all the other people with powers so he’s the most special little butterfly in the world. Problem is, in spite of that self awareness, they keep adding more and more people with super powers to the show.

I say, get rid of everyone except the funny Japanese guy, the chick from Varsity Blues, the cheerleader, and the sorta Persian guy who’s married to the Dixie Chick and kill everyone else off in the season premiere. I don’t care about the Japanese guy’s worthless (and powerless) sidekick, or little girl who won’t shut up about the Boogie Man, or Clea Duvall. I just want a couple of people with kick ass super powers kicking ass.

4. No More Being Pussies With Your Powers

Which reminds me: how about this season people stop being little cry-babies bitches and use their powers for some serious crime-fighting. If I had super strength I would go door to door super sucker-punching every asshole that looks at me funny. (That’s crime fighting, right?). I’m sick and tired of people boo-hooing the fact that they have extraordinary god-like powers. Seriously people, catch a clue.

5. Someone Needs a Hero-Mobile

While you’re at it, how about giving someone a cool ride. No, an Indian guy driving around in a taxi doesn’t count. I mean something like a Bat- and/or Weiner-Mobile.

6. A Story That Makes Sense

“Save the cheerleader, save the world”? How about, “Actually do something, not bore Nima”? I realize coming up with good stories is hard, but here’s one for you: the four remaining “Heroes” travel to Uzbekistan to stop the evil cyborg Nigerian Islamo-facist Nazi Communist dog rapists/Dick Cheney from using their/his weather dominator machine to flood New York and hold the world hostage. Makes perfect sense, is interesting, and easily turned in 22 episodes.

Man, I should totally be writing for television.

In case you aren’t aware, the television show Heroes (NBC Mondays at 9pm) is a show done in the style of a live action comic book. You could also say it’s a rip-off of the X-men. In either case, the show has it’s ups and downs, and lately it’s at a down point. Angered by the lack of entertainment from the show, I’ve decided to do a mental exercise comparing the television show Heroes to actual comic books.

Heroes did not fair well.

What follows is a breakdown of the major reasons as to why I have concluded that Heroes is inferior to real comic books.

1. Normal sized boobies

If the Cheerleader had a rack like Psylocke from the X-men’s then maybe more people would be trying to save her.

Now don’t get me wrong, I have absolutely no problem with normal sized boobies. A guy like me can’t be too choosy and quite frankly as long as they’re not freakishly lopsided I’m there, but the whole point of comics is to escape from reality and travel to a better world — one where boobies are huge and plentiful. Kind of like LA I guess.

I need to move to LA.

2. Too much walking, not enough Death Rays

Hiro is tired from all that walking around. Or he has the runs. I can’t really tell.

I understand this show ain’t 24, but at least 90% of this show is people just walking around trying to get to something or away from something or their looking for something or they’re just walking for the hell of it. The only character on the show who hasn’t taken a freakin’ field trip cross country (yet) is Nathan’s handicapped wife, and you just know if they put a motor on her wheelchair she’d be packing her bags for a trip to Vegas. Hell, everyone else on the show keeps going to Vegas. That little guy from Japan and his buddy literally went to and from Vegas like four times. I know prostitution there is legal but don’t you horny Japanese bastards have jobs or something?

Just please please please give me a villain with a diabolical scheme to take over the world. Preferably one that has a doctorate degree in something. Or a monocle. Or both.

3. The villain sucks

Who would you rather get beaten up by: that lame-ass Sylar or the White Queen of the Hellfire Club? Exactly.

And that’s really the major problem with the show, there’s no awesome super villain. Now, yeah, there’s that guy Sylar, but he sucks. I mean, compared to any old comic book villain Sylar is a total dweeb. He doesn’t have a secret lair, or evil henchmen, or an army of killer robot bees, or an army of real bees, or an evil plot to taint all the honey in the world thus driving up the market price of last remaining stockpile of honey which he alone would possess.

What? You do realize that’s what Winnie the Poo was up to, right?

4. Rampant anti-watchmaker’s son prejudice

Let’s talk about Sylar, the shows lone villain, for a moment. His back-story is that he was driven to evil by a need to improve his life because he was so thoroughly miserable as a watchmaker. He talks about how he ended up being a watchmaker because that’s what his Dad did and that it was such a meaningless “futile” existence.

Hey assholes at NBC, my Dad is a watchmaker, and that makes me the son of a watchmaker. Clearly I am a perfectly well adjusted dude living a grand meaningful life. And let me tell you, I did not spend my youth in my father’s clock-shop sitting around plotting the conquest of the Earth via the unfettered acquisition of power and the destruction of all those that would challenge my supremacy by eating their brains…. oh wait …. nevermind.

5. Zero heroism

Watch as Spiderman risks his life to stop Dr. Doom from killing some old guy. That’s what a real hero is all about. Yeah, real heroes fight dudes in iron outfits that shoot lasers out of their fingers.

Superman flew around the Earth really really fast thereby reversing the rotation of the planet and reversing the natural flow of time. Why? So he could save Lois Lane’s life. What the hell has that guy from Felicity done for anyone?

6. Too many friggin’ characters

These are all the X-characters circa 1991. There’s, like, twenty times more characters on Heroes.

There’s like, fifty X-men, but I have an easier time remember them then I do all the myriad of ridiculous characters they’ve introduced on Heroes. Wasn’t Clea Duvall on the cast at some point? Maybe if you didn’t introduce so many lame-ass characters on the show — like the guy who can make himself invisible or the chick who can hear really good — then maybe you could actually develop a story of some kind. Preferable one that doesn’t deal with people walking around from place to place.

7. Wha….?

The Silver Surfer — a guy with the Power Cosmic as granted by the devourer of worlds Galactus — spends an entire issue fighting some jackass in a rhinoceros costume while Thanos kills half the Universe? And Thor and Captain America and Wolverine and some yellow dude and a midget are just chilling down below? And I paid $1.00 for this piece of crap?

Still, that all makes more sense than Heroes.

Ok, all kidding aside, this show doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make sense that a guy would keep calling a dude in New York and leave messages on his machine in Japanese that his life is in danger when he’s got his friend literally standing right next to him who can speak fluent English. It doesn’t make sense that a dude from Haiti has the ability to turn off people’s powers at will but couldn’t catch a dude who can fly when he’s a standing a foot away from him before he takes off into the air. It doesn’t make sense that NBC would run endless promos asking “Are you on the list” and then never fucking have anything important happen with the aforementioned list.

8. No Thor

‘Nuff said.

Actually it’s not ’nuff. Here’s the thing, they could easily work Thor into the storyline. I mean, one of the characters on the show is already running for political office. Thor could show up to endorse him, and kick some ass while he’s in town. I’m assuming that the character on the show that’s running for Congress — Nathan is his name — I’m assuming that Nathan is a Republican based on his particular brand of douchebagicity. He’s definitely not touchy-feely enough to be a Democrat. If I’m right that would be ironic, as the actor playing Nathan is married in real life to that Dixie Chick that hates George Bush. Well, I’d guess all the Dixie Chicks hate George Bush but I’m talking specifically about the one that trash-talked him at some thing somewhere that got them in trouble with their country fans. The short kinda chunky one.

‘Nuff said (for reals this time).

I’m not saying Heroes sucks, but yeah, it kind of does. Sorry Justin.

As some might know I’m a fan of the new hit NBC drama Heroes. It’s filled with people given mysterious super powers by a mysterious force for some mysterious reason, and who subsequently use those super powers to walk around a lot or chase after an underage cheerleader. Good stuff.

But that got me thinking about the everyday heroes that are around us. The men and women who each day make the world just a little bit better for the rest of us. I’ve decided to compile a list of the people I think of when I hear the word hero. These are the people who inspire me to be a better person, which is hard to do because I’m already so freakin’ awesome. Yeah, you know it. Here’s my top 5 heroes, in ascending order of ass-smashing heroism….

1. Richard Dreyfuss

The Drey-man shows how it’s done.

Richard Dreyfuss represents everything that’s great about Hollywood. He’s one of the finest actors who isn’t Liam Neeson or Rick Moranis, having some of the greatest films under his glorious filmic belt. In Moon Over Parador he plays an actor playing a dictator, that’s like acting squared. He plays a therapist tormented by an insane Bill Murray in What About Bob?. And in the film Nuts he had to put up with that bitch Barbara Streisand. The fact that he didn’t kick her in her nuts shows just how much self-control he has, which is to say a great deal more than me, which is to say that I would totally kick Barbara Streisand in the nuts if I had to do a film with her, which is to say that I’m a fine actor who’d be willing to work with Barbara Streisand, which is to say that I’m a whore. And that’s just scratching the surface — there’s also Jaws, Close Encounters, Stakeout, and some crappy movie with Bette Midler and Nick Nolte back when people knew who Bette Midler and Nick Nolte were. The man is a living legend, and I’m sure if ever we needed a replacement for Freddie Prinze Jr., The ‘Fuss would step right up.

2. Lincoln Hawk from Over the Top

It’d probably be easier to arm wrestle if he wasn’t lathered up in baby oil, but that’s just not how he be.

How could you not love a working class truck driver who enters into an amateur arm-wrestling competition by use of a specialty hand-grip that’s of questionable legality to win a truck and possibly the respect of his estranged son who was raised by his arrogant elitist grandfather played by Robert Loggia who conspired to keep them apart in 1987? I mean, it’s like he’s arm-wrestling to win Optimus friggin’ Prime. Lincoln Hawk also taught me that if I start wearing a baseball cap and then turn it around on my head that it’s like a switch and that I could then beat a burly guy who’s twice my size and literally eating lit cigars. It didn’t quite work out that way when I tried it, but then again I didn’t have a totally awesome Kenny Loggins theme song to power me, or a specialty hand-grip of questionable legality.

3. Mayor McCheese

“I rule all you bitches!” – Mayor McCheese addressing the burn ward of the Ronald McDonald Children’s Hospital

No story is more inspirational than the triumphant rise of Mayor McCheese to the highest office in the shimmering metropolis that is McDonaldland. Mayor McCheese is the true definition of a public servant, facing the daily problems of the city. Ketchup shortages, the accidental mixing up of sodas in the fountain drinks which results in me getting Dr. fucking Pepper instead of the Mountain Dew I wanted, rampant Fry-Guy prostitution, and the ever-looming danger of the Hamburglar. Oh how we fear the Hamburglar. And keep in mind that Mayor McCheese has little help in dealing with these threats, what with Ronald McDonald’s (alledged) $900 a day coke habit (I mean the drink, not the drug… seriously, how else would you explain the perpetual sugar high that cheerful asshole is in?), and having only the morbidly obese and slightly mentally retarded Grimace for an assistant. I look to Mayor McCheese and I see that anyone can achieve their dreams, even if you have the deliciously horrifying physical deformity of a giant cheeseburger for a head. God bless America.

4. The Giant Red Novelty Cock at TGI Fridays

It’s been found that nearly 10% of men do not fear the Giant Red Novelty Cock, and even have the courage to jump on and ride it.

The Giant Red Novelty Cock is the official guardian of the ladies restroom at the TGI Friday’s by my house. Ever-erect, the Giant Red Novelty Cock strikes fear and awe into all that behold it’s powerful pecker and grandiose girth, ensuring that no one dares to leave the toilet without washing their hands, lest they face the Giant Red Novelty Cock’s throbbing wrath. A towering inferno of pure testosterone, the Giant Red Novelty Cock’s authority is absolute even amongst the TGI Friday’s staff. Merely speak of the cock to the waitresses and you’ll be met with a look of horror and disgust. So feared is the Giant Red Novelty Cock that you may even find yourself forcefully removed from the premises by a law enforcement officer before you’ve finished your potato skin platter. That is the true power of the Giant Red Novelty Cock.

5. Dr. Lawrence T. Goldfinger

The “T.” stands for “tender”.

Scientist, musician, calligrapher, chef, skateboarder, asynchronous swimmer, father, husband, impressionist (the comedic kind, not the painting kind), impressionist painter, martial arts aficionado, cook, blogger, homeowner, breadmaker, wallet enthusiast. Larry is a God amongst men. Compared to him the rest of the human race are ants just waiting to be squashed under his gigantic thumb of excellence. He could devour a thousand suns and still not have his tremendous appetite satiated. Just one look at him and you’ll be overcome by the righteous fury that burns in his eyes. It’s the kind of passion you might find in an Irish guy, or possibly a Klingon, but to find it in a 5′5” clarinet playing Jewish dude who’s into science makes it all the more awe-inspiring. Larry isn’t simply a person, he’s a life coach. There is so much he’s taught me, and yet so much I still have to learn. True story: I once saw Larry punch a cow in the face. I asked him why he did it and he turned to me, pulled off his Ray-Ban sunglasses, and said, “Nima, that cow just wasn’t beefy enough.” How deep is that?! It’s like a metaphor for my entire frickin’ life. Then he treated me to crab wontons at P.F. Chang’s. So awesome.