Posts Tagged ‘iPhone’

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The Definitive iPhone Buyer’s Guide

Thursday, June 28th, 2007

As I’m sure everyone knows by now the iPhone goes on sale tomorrow evening at 6pm (local). Reviews have started to trickle in, as have buying recommendations. Being that I’m a guy with a blog I am completely qualified to add my own analysis of this matter to the public discourse. Therefore, I’ve decided to write what is certainly the definitive iPhone buyer’s guide…

To determine if you should buy an iPhone ask yourself the following question:

Are you willing to pay up to $100 a month to carry around a 3.5-inch Macintosh computer?

If yes, then buy an iPhone.

If no, then don’t.

It is as simple as that. I think people, like Yahoo!’s Gina Hughes, are confusing the choice involved. She writes:

Probably the biggest reason to wait is the price.The iPhone will retail in stores for $500 (4GB) and $600 (8GB) — AND you still have to sign a new two-year agreement.

This isn’t what’s happening. You aren’t buying a $600 device AND having to get a service. You’re getting a service that requires a $600 membership fee. What are you becoming a member of? The Grand Society of Being Frickin’ Awesome™!

Now obviously, if you are willing to pay upwards of $1001 then you might wonder why you should pay a membership fee to Apple specifically. Well, the answer to that is simple: have you seen the frickin’ thing?!!!! I mean, seriously, it’s the coolest little device I’ve ever seen. Cooler even than those really cool USB sushi thumb drives. Why would you choose a different phone?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know there are problems with the iPhone. I’ve read all the reviews.

1. The over the air web browsing is excruciatingly slow. Granted.

2. The touch screen keyboard takes days to get used to. Probably, but considering the fact that in three years every single portable device is going to go to touch screen it’s probably better to get the learning out of the way now.2

3. AT&T sucks. Yeah, well, I’ve got a little secret to tell you. Are you ready for it? All cell phone carriers suck! You will always find someone who’s unhappy with their cell phone carrier. That’s why there are so many cell phone carriers. If one was great and awesome, then it would have cornered the market by now, given, you know, how much cell phone carriers suck.

4. The biggest size is 8 GBs. Waaaah! Poor babies. Look, the computer I took to college with me only had an 8 GB hard drive and that was enough. And you’re not even going to be filling it up with porn.

5. You’re going to have to get in a long ass line to get one. OK. I waited 2 hours in line to see Terminator 2 with my Aunt. We knew we were waiting so we stopped by a deli joint beforehand and got some sandwiches. My Aunt and I had a great time that I know we both remember to this day. Oh, and I did all that having already seen the movie.

6. You can’t use the touch screen with your penis. I will concede that this could be a deal breaker.

That’s all true, but you know what? The iPod doesn’t have a built in FM tuner. The Nintendo Wii can’t make toast. Plasma screen televisions don’t come with built in DVD/VCR combos. Life’s a bitch.

Yeah, the iPhone’s not perfect, but if you’re in the market for a paying-$100-a-month service than the iPhone is still hands down prettier than all the other mobile devices out there. Hell, I bet the box the iPhone comes in is prettier than all the other mobile devices on the market.

So, am I going to buy an iPhone? Nope. I’m not willing to spend up to $100 a month to have an awesome computer in my pocket. I’d much rather use that money on dating models and going to resorts and Xbox 360 games and comic books and Transformers toys. If I was, I’d sure as hell get one. It’s an easy choice, either way.

  1. Yes, I realize the plans offered go as low as $59.99, but $100 is a nice round number, and I think when discussing purchases you should overestimate rather than underestimate the cost.↩
  2. I also wanted to point out that this is long over due. The most futuristic sci-fi films all used to have touch screen, and they were all supposed to be set in like the year 2000. FYI, I’m also still waiting on my flying skateboard Back to the Future II!↩

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John Gruber Is a Master Debater

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

The previous post mentioned John Gruber in passing but didn’t elaborate on him or his role in defending the iPhone’s honor. The truth is, John Gruber is the single greatest warrior in the army of Christ Apple, and like the greatest warriors, his skill is not in armed combat, but rather in his mastery of debate and argument. Have you seen the film Thank You For Smoking? He’s basically that guy, except pudgier and kind of a hippie.

Gruber has been engaged in the business of outing what he calls “iPhone doubters”1 for quite some time. How deep does these doubters’ lack of faith run? One such doubter outed by Gruber, Rob Waugh dared to write the following:

Part- mobile, part-iPod, it has a touchscreen that’s set to sweep away memories of tapping furiously at unresponsive old Palm Pilots – and it looks delicious. But does it live up to the hype? As a phone, the answer is ‘no’.

It’s not like he then goes on to explain what specific phone features the iPhone will not ship with that makes it not, in his estimation, live up to the absolutely monstrous hype the iPhone has gotten. Oh wait, actually he does. Right in the next paragraph. And then he praises the usability of the iPhone’s interface.

Of course, Gruber ignores that, and simply accuses him of complaining about the phone without actually using one. Except that none of his complaints did stem from usability issues, but rather the plain as paper features that Apple has explained are present in the phone. Thankfully Gruber, being the genius debater that he is, doesn’t allow you to post comments to his website, and therefore protects himself from anyone bringing up that minor trivial detail.

Gruber also follows the great rule of debate: don’t acknowledge the that there’s another side to the debate. Namely that there has been an incredible amount of positive press on the iPhone without people actually using one. I would say that it’s surprising that Gruber’s litmus test doesn’t cut both ways, but it’s not.

In Gruber’s world, facts like that aren’t important. It’s not about who has or hasn’t used an iPhone, it’s about faith in the glory of Jesus the iPhone. Last Friday he took another disbeliever, Slate’s Jack Shafer, to task.2 Gruber writes:

The press largely ignored the fact that video-capable MP3 players already existed and treated Steve Jobs as if he was the reincarnation of Thomas Edison.
Apple has gone on to sell tens of millions of video-capable iPods. Unless Shafer is willing to argue that the iPod’s continuing success is the result of the media coverage, the video iPod’s popularity justifies the press coverage. (The press paid a ton of attention to the Segway, too.)

Gruber’s ability to form a an airtight rebuttal to an argument is absolutely top-notch. The financial success of the video iPod proves beyond all reason that the press did not misrepresent facts in presenting the video iPod as the first of it’s kind. I mean, obviously.

Debate Tactic #3: Ask a rhetorical question with obvious answer, but ignore said obvious answer.

Writes Gruber:

Apple’s stock price jumped $4 on the battery news. Was that a result of the press coverage, too? Three additional hours of battery life is a significant difference.

Ummm… yes, when the news media reported the increase in battery life the stock price jumped up. Had the new media not reported it, no one would have known about it, and the stock price wouldn’t have changed. Isn’t that just basic logic? I mean, that’s just cause and, like, effect, right?

He continues:

The Ocean does look like a cool phone. But does Shafer really want to get into a pissing match feature comparison between the iPhone and Ocean?

Maybe it was just to transition into a discussion of how awesome Billy Ocean is? A transition he failed to execute, in typical cynic fashion!

Gruber is, however, not without his faults. He makes the little tiny minor mistake of completely conceding that he’s full of shit:

It is, of course, entirely possible that the original iPhone will be a disappointment.

It’s possible?! Then why the fuck are you calling out all these “iPhone doubters”, John? If you, the faithful, aren’t 100% confident in your Lord and Savior mobile phone then what the hell are we, the reasoned and sensible, to think?3

Gruber concludes:

What is Shafer’s argument? That the press should ignore the fact that hundreds of thousands (millions?) of people are going to line up hoping to buy an iPhone at 6pm on the first day it’s available? Is it not possible that the iPhone deserves tremendous media attention?
I thought his argument was that the press is sucking up to Apple and eschewing accuracy in their overwhelmingly fanatical praise of their latest product. But I guess since that’s not argument you were debating it’s not really important, now is it? And really, isn’t that what good debate is about? Saying whatever the hell you feel like about someone else whilst calling them names and generally insulting the intelligence of the audience?

Yes, but only if you truly believe it is.

  1. One can only assume that the term “infidels” was already taken by some other a-hole blogger.↩
  2. Interestingly enough, Shafer is refered to as an “Apple cynic”, which is, I assume, far worse than being merely an “iPhone doubter”. To be a cynic of Apple is, well, just fucking Communist!↩
  3. Answer: John Gruber is an iPhone doubter.↩

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iPhone Is Coming!

Monday, June 25th, 2007

This is a very special week. Finally after many years of speculation, rumors, and waiting, the greatest day of days is nearly upon us. This Friday at 6pm marks the moment that will change the very course of human history. Yes, that’s right. I’m talking about the arrival of Jesus the Apple iPhone.

The coming of Jesus iPhone will herald a profound and wonderful change for humanity early adopters. Many of the religious Apple faithful are already waiting in line in hopes of securing they’re chance to see their Lord and Savior pay $599 for a 8 GB iPhone.

The Fox New Channel news media has been covering the news of the second coming of Christ iPhone’s launch with flare and excitement. Many are calling it the biggest religious moment product launch of our lifetime. Some have challenged that the media coverage has become pure hype, but the mere fact that the coverage has become as significant as it has simply solidifies how important the coming of Jesus the iPhone is.

One might wonder, What will Jesus the iPhone do for me? That’s a silly fair question that can be easily answered. Jesus iPhone will bring world peace and prosperity cutting-edge mobile connectivity to the masses people who are willing to pay for it. Jesus will end world hunger play YouTube videos and provide eternal happiness Google Maps. With His faithful apostles by His side a 2 year contract with AT&T Jesus iPhone will crush evil on Earth Blackberry.

What’s most remarkable about Jesus iPhone is His it’s love for all God’s children revolutionary graphical user interface. With Jesus iPhone in your heart hand you’ll be able to do amazing things with the blessing of the Lord touchscreen display.

There are, of course, those that doubt the greatness of Jesus iPhone. People who either cannot or will not accept the love kick-assery of Jesus iPhone. These blasphemers blasphemers will in time be proven both wrong and stupid, and there are already those that are fighting the good fight to help educate indoctrinate those doubters. The words of true believers like the Pope John Gruber will show people the way.

Years from now, when the world is a paradise of holy glory technological wonder people will look back at the date June 29, 2007 as the day the Universe cellular phone industry changed. Calendars will forever have marked upon them the day God’s son Steve Jobs’ pet project descended from Heaven Cupertino and freed the world went on sale. It shall be, truly, glorious!

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