Equinox of Insanity

The Macalope is a very funny Mac-centric blog that pays the bills by skewering critics of Apple, usually by way of superior writing and hilarious malevolence, and by eviscerating the usual suspects of tech analysts, usually by way of pointing out how incredibly stupid the entire tech analyst racket is (John C. Welch does the same thing, only with less of the funny and more of the blistering righteous fury).

Unfortunately, the Macalope decided to venture out of his kingdom of humor and snark, and instead tried to skewer Todd Sullivan mathematically (for background see here, here, and here, in that order). Now, reading the Macalope’s post all I could think of was, “fucking idiot,” and then poured myself another highball. You know, whatever. I really don’t care about how much Apple makes, or does not make, on the iPhone, so long as mine keeps working as delightfully as it does.

But, then John Gruber sat at his keyboard and wrote something supremely stupid:

The Macalope on the bogus math behind the claim that unlocked iPhones will cost Apple “$1 billion” by the end of the year. (It’s the same sort of math the music industry uses to estimate how much money bootlegging costs them — based on the assumption that every single bootlegged track would otherwise have been purchased for the full retail price.)

Ah, damnit. That’s not the assumption. There is no assumption.

Let’s look at this another way…

Suppose you own a milkshake place. You make milkshakes. One day after work you make a wonderful strawberry milkshake for yourself, which you set down on the counter top. You turn around to get a some whipped cream and a cherry, to adorn the top of your milkshake, and while your back is turned I come in and I reach over with my straw and I drink your milkshake! I drink it up!

Naturally, you object.

My defense is, “If you hadn’t set your milkshake down on the counter top then I would never have drank your milkshake. So, truly, I’ve done nothing wrong, because you weren’t going to get anything from me anyway. And I, like, don’t even like milkshakes. I’m lactose intolerant. Bitch.”

Except, I drank your milkshake! I drank it up! I now have yummy strawberry milkshake in my belly, and for that you have received absolutely nothing. Win for me. You, not so much. That’s 1 for me, and 0 for you. That is to say, you’ve lost 1 milkshake. A milkshake I was supposed to pay for. A milkshake that tasted real good. I know, because I drank your milkshake!

The music industry is a toilet bowl, but this math is not bogus. People who pirate music are benefiting from the music they’ve downloaded. The hypothetical, “well they wouldn’t have paid for it” is the bullshit. It does not matter. The pirates possess something that they were supposed to pay for, but didn’t. That’s money that’s supposed to be in the pockets of the assholes that run the music industry, but isn’t. The hypothetical is irrelevant. The loss isn’t imaginary when the benefit to the pirate is real.

This is about what’s fair.

(I’m going to stop talking about the music industry now, because talking about fairness in the context of the music industry is obviously ridiculous.)

If I create something, and you take it, it is fair that I am compensated according to what I’ve valued that something at. Recently there’s been a lot of talk about Pixish and spec work. The issue there is the same here: people should not be unfairly benefiting from someone else’s work. An artist does a graphic design and doesn’t get paid for it. Apple creates the iPhone under certain terms and gets stiffed when people unlock it. A writer has every page of her book photographed and posted on the Internet. These aren’t fair.

I realize we now live in a world where it’s ME, ME, ME all the freakin’ time, and that’s exactly what people need to be aware of here. Did I benefit? More importantly, Was I supposed to? If the answer is “yes” and “no,” then there’s a problem.

A quantifiable problem.

You.

Today the Republican party is fighting over what direction their party will go in. Central to the debate is the definition of conservatism, and whether John McCain or Mitt Romney better exemplify who it is conservatives want to be.

In light of this, I think it’s a perfect time to travel over to Conservapedia, “the trustwrothy encyclopedia.” A bastion of great intellectual discourse, Conservapedia stands as a shining example of open and free information. And also of posts about unicorns. Let’s have a look at some of the wondrous nuggets Conservapedia contains…

On Barack Hussein Obama:

Despite a lack of military, executive or foreign policy experience, he is currently a liberal favorite for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States in the 2008 election. He has no clear personal achievement that cannot be explained as the likely result of affirmative action.

He’s black.

He was elected the first African American president of the liberal Harvard Law Review, which has a quota system for accepting African Americans

Seriously, he’s actually a black guy.

After a series of ill-advised foreign policy statements, Obama was openly criticized as a lightweight even by liberals, in much the same vein as John Edwards and Dan Quayle had been depicted. First, Obama said he would openly embrace two of Florida’s most fearful enemies, Fidel Castro and Hugo Chavez.

Those two assholes are two of Florida’s most fearful enemies? Really? Florida’s afraid of an aging communist on his deathbed and a pudgy socialist all the way in Venezuela?

Florida is a pussy.

Obama’s political views have been a matter of controversy even before he put himself forward as a Presidential Candidate. Former House majority leader Tom DeLay has described Obama’s record in the Illinois Senate as that of a “Marxist leftist”. In May 2007, Obama voted against funding the Iraq War. The funding bill also included an increase in the minimum wage from $5.85 to $7.25, which was intended to help America’s most needy individuals.

That Marxist bastard! Not only is he cock-blocking continued fighting in Iraq but he’s also fucking over the poor. Wait… isn’t Marxism the thing where there’s violent uprising and giving things to the poor? So shouldn’t a Marxist like Obama have voted for that bill? Conservapedia has confused me.

On Evolution:

Since World War II a majority of the most prominent and vocal defenders of the theory of evolution which employs methodological naturalism have been atheists.

Not counting all the scientists, who may not be atheists, but who are definitely geeks and nerds, which is worse. NERDS!

The great intellectuals in history such as Archimedes, Aristotle, St. Augustine, Francis Bacon, Isaac Newton and Lord Kelvin did not propose an evolutionary process for a species to transform into a more complex version.

And as we all know, if Isaac Newton didn’t propose it, then it must be bunk. That’s why I don’t believe in antibiotics or manscaping. Granted, Newton was probably busy deducing shit like the laws of physics. Also, being dead before Charles Darwin’s time. That was pretty time-consuming too.

Creation scientists believe that mutations, natural selection, and genetic drift would not cause macroevolution.

Because “macroevolution” is bullshit creation scientists made up because evolution is observable scientific fact. (Did I say that out loud? Oops.)

Furthermore, creation scientists assert that the life sciences as a whole support the creation model and do not support the theory of evolution.

And the crazy bum on the corner asserts that “Jesus will pee on the capitalists.” Assertions are awesome.

Creation scientists and intelligent design advocates state the genetic code, genetic programs, and biological information argue for an intelligent cause in regards the origins question and assert it is one of the problems of the theory of evolution. Dr. Walt Brown states the genetic material that controls the biological processes of life is coded information and that human experience tells us that codes are created only by the result of intelligence and not merely by processes of nature

Who the fuck is Dr. Walt Brown? Answer: no one of consequence.

Currently, there are over one hundred million identified and cataloged fossils in the world’s museums. If the theory of evolution was valid, then there should be “transitional forms” in the fossil record reflecting the intermediate life forms. Another term for these “transitional forms” is “missing links”.

Exactly! It’s not “transitional forms” are actually “animals” that have already been categorized. “Transitional forms” have to obviously be denoted that way, like with quotes. Yeah, the bones would be in the form of quotes. Or maybe the guy or gal who discovers the bones needs to be making air-quotes when it’s uncovered. Or maybe angels will float down from heaven with a sign that reads “transitional form” (in quotes). Yeah, that hasn’t happened yet, so sucks to be Darwin.

On The Persian Empire:

The Persian Empire, in Antigua, was the largest geographical empire in its time, at its height stretching from India (at the Ganges and Mula, respectively) all the way into southern Europe and down to Egypt, primarily under Cyrus the Great. It had not known defeat until it was turned back in its efforts to conquer Ancient Greece. It had two capitals: Susa and Persepolis. The Persian Empire came into being in 539 B.C. with the defeat of the Babylonian Empire and continued under other famous rulers such as Darius and Xerxes until it was conquered and largely absorbed by Alexander the Great in 330 B.C. The Persian Empire and several of its rulers are discussed in the Bible in the books of Daniel and Esther. A later Persian Empire re-emerged in 226 A.D. and outlived the Western Roman Empire. After a devastating war with the Byzantine Empire that left both sides severely drained, Islam came on the scene from Saudi Arabia and completely conquered the Persian Empire in a quick campaign that ended in 651 A.D.

It’s good to know that the sum totality of information about the Persian Empire amounts to 181 words.

In comparison, the article on Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is close to 1000 words. That makes sense.

On Gorillas:

The gorilla, the largest of the living primates, is a ground-dwelling omnivore that inhabits the forests of Africa. Gorillas are divided into two species and either four or five subspecies. Comparison of DNA sequences of humans and gorillas show them to be 99% identical, but even with these similarities there are so many gaps in the sequence that it is nigh impossible for them to have descended from a common ancestor.

It’s impossible because Isaac Newton didn’t propose it. Recognize!

Attempts have been made to teach a gorilla named Koko a form of sign language, although this is highly questionable. Some scientists believe that Koko’s ability to communicate through ASL is equivalent to a parrot’s ability to communicate through speech. Some scientists believe that Koko is only trained to make hand gestures but does not actually understand what she is doing.

Also, Koko was a slut.

On The Moon:

The Earth’s moon has several striking characteristics. To many, these characteristics appear as “clues” or “hints” left by God for men to discover.

God is essentially the supernatural Riddler.

On Condoms:

Condoms may have existed once, but they no longer exist, and never shall again. I’m sure there’s a reeeeaaaallllyyy good reason for this.

On Homosexuality:

Conservapedia’s article on homosexuality is lengthy and detailed, and covers such topics as…

• Ex-Homosexuals
• Homosexuality and Promiscuity
• Homosexual Couples and Domestic Violence
• Homosexuality and Murders
• Homosexuality and Syphilis
• Homosexuality and Gonorrhea
• Homosexuality and Lymphogranuloma Venereum Outbreaks
• Homosexuality and Parasites
• Homosexuality and Hepatitis
• Homosexuality and Mental Health
• Homosexuality and Cigarrete Smoking
• Homosexuality and Anal Cancer
• Homosexuality and Illegal Drug Use
• Untruthful Homosexual Activist Ideology Cost Lives
• Other Incidents Involving Homosexuality and the Suppression of Religious Liberty
• Homosexuality and Creationism and the Theory of Evolution

No article covering homosexuality is complete without an indepth discussion about the relationship between homosexuality and cigarrete[sic] smoking. And anal cancer.

On Apple Inc.:

Conservapedia’s article on Apple covers the Apple I, Apple II, Apple III, Lisa, Macintosh (the very first one, it appears), the Apple IIg, and John Scully.

John Scully was appointed CEO of Apple by Steve Jobs because they would not let him run the company. Jobs picked Scully because he knew nothing about computers and would need to depend on Jobs for all decisions. This backfired on Jobs when he was forced to leave the company leaving control into the hand of a man who knew nothing about computers. When Jobs left the company was sent into despair. There was no vision and Scully was barely able to keep the company alive.

So, yeah, Conservapedia is totally historically accurate.

On Chuck Norris:

Chuck Norris is a popular martial artist, actor, humanitarian, book author, columnist at WorldNetDaily.com, and world-record powerboat racer. He is perhaps best known as the star of the popular television series, Walker, Texas Ranger. Through his columns, Norris has been an outspoken critic of the theory of evolution, the teaching of which he holds partially responsible for school shootings: “We teach our children they are nothing more than glorified apes, yet we don’t expect them to act like monkeys.” He has also joked about working to uncover a vast Atheist conspiracy to outlaw Christianity in the United States, the first step of which is the acceptance of Atheists in our government: “Though the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered 45 percent of us would support an atheist for president. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of society is alive and well.” To thwart this menace of secularization, Norris has jokingly promised that if elected President he would “tattoo an American flag with the words, ‘In God we trust.’ on the forehead of every atheist” and and “require every member of Congress work out on the Total Gym 15 minutes each day” and “deport all Liberals”.

My opinion of Chuck Norris has just been radically altered.

On Unicorns:

The existence of unicorns is controversial. Secular opinion is that they are mythical, however some young earth believing Christian apologists have advanced various arguments that the biblical Unicorn was not a fantasy animal and that the animal did not have one horn.

Dear young earth Christian apologists,

It doesn’t matter in which direction you move the beads on the abacus, if it did not have one horn then it’s not a UNIcorn.

Thank you,

Nima Yousefi Guy who can do basic fucking math

On Liberals:

A liberal is a believer in many of the following political positions:

• tax and spend
• taxpayer-funded abortion
• denial of inherent gender differences and wanting men and women to have the same jobs in the military
• same-sex marriage
• affirmative action
• political correctness
• censorship of prayer in classrooms and school sponsored events
• Free public education regardless of family income
• government-rationed and taxpayer-funded medical care
• labor unions
• elimination of abstinence-only program funding
• income redistribution, usually through progressive taxation
• a “living Constitution” that is reinterpreted, thwarting the amendment process specified in the Constitution as written
• support for gun control
• government programs to rehabilitate criminals
• environmentalism
• disarmament treaties
• globalism
• opposition to a strong American foreign policy
• support of obscenity and pornography as a First Amendment right
• opposition to full private property rights
• limiting conservative talk radio by reinstating the Fairness Doctrine
• promoting liberal deceit if it advances their goals, or at least tolerating it

Yeah, yeah, totally. Bitches!

On Conservatives:

A conservative is one who adheres to principles of limited government, personal responsibility and moral virtue. A conservative would likely agree with the statement in George Washington’s Farewell Address that “religion and morality are indispensable supports” to political prosperity. Conservatism arose in the 19th century as a response to liberalism, particularly as manifested in the French Revolution.

Really? That’s all you’re going to say to define conservatives? With liberals you create a bullet list of 23 items, but with conservatives you just sort of throw out there that they’d agree with one line from a Washington speech? Nothing about Jesus or Christian apologists or how much gays smoke and get anal cancer?

Ok, I totally understand now why conservatives are debating about what it mean to be a conservative. Good luck with that.

I don’t mean to pick on conservatives here, but seriously, Conservapedia is fucking hilarious. I promise that if Hillary Clinton becomes president I’ll totally make it up to my conservative peeps out there. Though if a guy named “Mitt” is our next president you might want to unsubscribe from my blog. Sorry.

Paul Thurrott gives his thoughts on the iPhone.

It ends with:

Yes, the iPhone is the nicest looking and sleekest portable device I’ve ever used. But it’s not perfect. It’s not even close. And that’s not going to be good enough for a lot of smart phone users.

Because all the other smart phones out there are perfect? Riiiiiggggghhhhhttttttt.