Things That Suck « Equinox of Insanity

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Am I the Only One Actually Paying Attention to the Story on ‘Heroes’?

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

Seriously, I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Yeah, I get that Tim Kring admitted that he screwed some things up and that the show’s writers were probably worried about going on strike, but is anyone at NBC even watching this show to see if it makes any sense?!

1. What the Hell Happened to the Haitian?

One minute he’s teamed up with HRG to take down The Company, and then when he might actually be useful to the story he disappears. I mean, HRG’s family is being hunted by The Company, they have his daughter, they’ve sent a super-powered sociopath to kill him, but he’s going to give the Haitian the day off? If evil super-powered assholes were after me and my family I’d have the badass guy who can neutralize anyone’s super-power nearby. Like, I’d let him stay in the freaking guest-room. I’d cook him waffles in the morning. We’d hang out, like all the time.

Granted, they pulled this same crap at the end of season 1, but, you know, fool me once…

2. If You Travel to the Future With Your Girlfriend and You Accidentally Leave Her There Why Don’t You Just Go Back and Get Her?

He looks confused. Maybe he just watched the finale too.

Am I smoking crack, or does Peter have some high-grade learning disability we need to know about? If you jump to a disease-filled dystopian future and accidentally leave your girlfriend there why would you be obsessed with preventing it from becoming disease-filled and dystopian? Why wouldn’t you just go back and get her? You know, since fifteen minutes after you returned to the present you regained all your memories and realized you have the power to travel through fucking time.

Or, at the very least, when the little Japanese guy who you know for a fact can travel through time shows up you could say, “Hey, so, like, I totally accidentally left this chick in a disease-filled dystopian future. Could you, like, go pick her up before they send her to a dystopian concentration camp or something?” It’s not like the little Japanese guy doesn’t speak English — he just told you the Neil Patrick Harris look-a-like you’re hanging out with killed his dad. FYI.¹

3. Didn’t Kensei Swear Revenge on Hiro?

Did my brain just invent that scene? I don’t think so, because it was pretty poorly written even for my brain. So Kensei did swear revenge on Hiro. Then Kensei lived for 400 more years, changed his name to Adam Monroe, and forgot all about taking revenge on Hiro. I mean, Adam’s evil master plan had nothing to do with Hiro, he had other reasons for killing Hiro’s dad, and when Hiro is knocked out and laying in front of him while Peter storms off Adam does zip to take his revenge on him. You remember, the revenge that he swore he would take.

4. Are These Assholes Actually Going to Do Something Heroic?

Getting your comic books back requires great heroism… Oh wait, your comics burned up in the fire? Along with your mom? Sucks to be you.

Look, heroism is not changing your mind at the last minute and not releasing a deadly virus that will kill 90% of the human population even though you’ve spent the last five episodes doing your best to release it because you’re a moron. Heroism is also not dragging your mom to a tenement to save your idiot cousin who decided to try and get your comic books back from thugs who stole them only to be captured and tied up in spite of having super-powered Kung-Fu skills, especially if your mom ends up dying in an explosion so that your idiot cousin can live (you’re losing a mom, but gaining an idiot cousin that you already had).

The only actual act of heroism I’ve witnessed since Heroes came back on the air was when the pan-sorority swim team’s bus got lost and the girls needed a place to stay so I let them stay at my place and the next morning I drove them to compete in nationals and they won first place because of my rousing and inspirational speech in the girl’s locker room before the meet. Also, there was some sex in there somewhere. Hot sex. Sans pants!

5. Wasn’t Peter not Able to Control His Nuclear Powers?

Season 1 finale, Peter nearly blows up half of New York City because he can’t control his powers.

Season 2 finale, Peter uses his nuclear power to irradiate and incinerate the deadly dystopian-future-causing virus, which, incidentally, is the first time he’s used his nuclear power since he almost blew up the city because he can’t control his frakking powers!

6. Maya’s Brother Didn’t Have Some Kind of Power of His Own?

The entire friggin’ season the stupid ass Wonder Twins were running around trying to get to New York because Maya’s insta-kill power could only be controlled by holding hands with her ugly-ass brother — who seemed to be sucking he power into himself or something — and then we find out — just kidding! — she could control her power all along and her brother gets stabbed to death by the bad guy?

WHAT?!

It’s bad enough I had to watch this sorry-ass road trip in the first place, but I’m almost positive Maya’s brother had some kind of power of his own. He was unaffected by her evil death power, and there was that visual effect where her creepy black eyes would transfer to him when her powers would stop. What the hell was that?

7. So, Like, No One Can Die?

Ironically, when the coroner’s report comes back we learn that Nathan didn’t die of gunshot wounds, but rather from the one thing magic super-powered blood can’t cure — boredom.

HRG was dead. The Company transported his corpse to their secret facility, took his clothes off, hooked him up to an IV of his daughter’s blood, and he comes back to life. Sooooo… when Nathan gets shot three times in the chest I’m supposed to care because…? His brother, who can also heal, is literally cradling his body. Can’t he just pop a vein and bring his brother back right there at the press conference? Wouldn’t that, you know, kill two birds with one stone since they want the world to know they have super-powers?

Oh, that’s right, Peter’s mentally retarded. Sorry, I forgot.

8. Blood Can Heal People?

Wait, didn’t these powers have something to do with the brain? Didn’t Claire (and Peter) die when their brains were punctured? What the hell does blood now have to do with anything? Now look, I’m not suggesting they should be using brain juice to heal people, but an occasional spinal tap would make sense. It’d take the show all the way to 11 (yeah, I went there).

9. Is Nathan a Congressman or What?

He spent the entire season just farting around, occasionally with an Al Qaeda looking beard, but when he wants to throw a press conference in Texas all the major news outlets in the state show up? So is this asshole still a Congressman or not? And if he’s not, why the hell not? I mean, aside from the fact the beard thing.

And in a related note, what happened to his wife who was paralyzed and then was healed so she could walk again? I mean, did anyone notice that she could walk all of a sudden? No one wondered about that? At all? Anybody?

10. Why Did I Watch This Fucking Show?

I have no one to blame but myself. And Tim Kring.

I am left with an overwhelming sense of, “WTF was that?!” There’s bad, and then there’s incomprehensibly bad. Heroes leapt past that — it has become the islamo-facist of TV shows. Somewhere on Earth a baby seal is being raped by a walrus, and I’m pretty sure Heroes is to blame. Heroes punches teenaged girls in the balls. Heroes is a no good.

So when does Battlestar Galactica start up?

Elena, a Spanish woman we used to work with, once told us a story about how she would get emails from her boss that would end with “FYI,” and she didn’t know what that stood for, So she guessed it meant, “fucking you idiot!” That’s how I mean it here.↩

Tags: Heroes, Things That Suck
Posted in Uncategorized | 3 Comments »

John Gruber Is a Master Debater

Tuesday, June 26th, 2007

The previous post mentioned John Gruber in passing but didn’t elaborate on him or his role in defending the iPhone’s honor. The truth is, John Gruber is the single greatest warrior in the army of ~~Christ~~ Apple, and like the greatest warriors, his skill is not in armed combat, but rather in his mastery of debate and argument. Have you seen the film Thank You For Smoking? He’s basically that guy, except pudgier and kind of a hippie.

Gruber has been engaged in the business of outing what he calls “iPhone doubters”¹ for quite some time. How deep does these doubters’ lack of faith run? One such doubter outed by Gruber, Rob Waugh dared to write the following:

Part- mobile, part-iPod, it has a touchscreen that’s set to sweep away memories of tapping furiously at unresponsive old Palm Pilots – and it looks delicious. But does it live up to the hype? As a phone, the answer is ‘no’.

It’s not like he then goes on to explain what specific phone features the iPhone will not ship with that makes it not, in his estimation, live up to the absolutely monstrous hype the iPhone has gotten. Oh wait, actually he does. Right in the next paragraph. And then he praises the usability of the iPhone’s interface.

Of course, Gruber ignores that, and simply accuses him of complaining about the phone without actually using one. Except that none of his complaints did stem from usability issues, but rather the plain as paper features that Apple has explained are present in the phone. Thankfully Gruber, being the genius debater that he is, doesn’t allow you to post comments to his website, and therefore protects himself from anyone bringing up that minor trivial detail.

Gruber also follows the great rule of debate: don’t acknowledge the that there’s another side to the debate. Namely that there has been an incredible amount of positive press on the iPhone without people actually using one. I would say that it’s surprising that Gruber’s litmus test doesn’t cut both ways, but it’s not.

In Gruber’s world, facts like that aren’t important. It’s not about who has or hasn’t used an iPhone, it’s about faith in the glory of ~~Jesus~~ the iPhone. Last Friday he took another disbeliever, Slate’s Jack Shafer, to task.² Gruber writes:

The press largely ignored the fact that video-capable MP3 players already existed and treated Steve Jobs as if he was the reincarnation of Thomas Edison.
Apple has gone on to sell tens of millions of video-capable iPods. Unless Shafer is willing to argue that the iPod’s continuing success is the result of the media coverage, the video iPod’s popularity justifies the press coverage. (The press paid a ton of attention to the Segway, too.)

Gruber’s ability to form a an airtight rebuttal to an argument is absolutely top-notch. The financial success of the video iPod proves beyond all reason that the press did not misrepresent facts in presenting the video iPod as the first of it’s kind. I mean, obviously.

Debate Tactic #3: Ask a rhetorical question with obvious answer, but ignore said obvious answer.

Writes Gruber:

Apple’s stock price jumped $4 on the battery news. Was that a result of the press coverage, too? Three additional hours of battery life is a significant difference.

Ummm… yes, when the news media reported the increase in battery life the stock price jumped up. Had the new media not reported it, no one would have known about it, and the stock price wouldn’t have changed. Isn’t that just basic logic? I mean, that’s just cause and, like, effect, right?

He continues:

The Ocean does look like a cool phone. But does Shafer really want to get into a pissing match feature comparison between the iPhone and Ocean?

Maybe it was just to transition into a discussion of how awesome Billy Ocean is? A transition he failed to execute, in typical cynic fashion!

Gruber is, however, not without his faults. He makes the little tiny minor mistake of completely conceding that he’s full of shit:

It is, of course, entirely possible that the original iPhone will be a disappointment.

It’s possible?! Then why the fuck are you calling out all these “iPhone doubters”, John? If you, the faithful, aren’t 100% confident in your ~~Lord and Savior~~ mobile phone then what the hell are we, the reasoned and sensible, to think?³

Gruber concludes:

What is Shafer’s argument? That the press should ignore the fact that hundreds of thousands (millions?) of people are going to line up hoping to buy an iPhone at 6pm on the first day it’s available? Is it not possible that the iPhone deserves tremendous media attention?

I thought his argument was that the press is sucking up to Apple and eschewing accuracy in their overwhelmingly fanatical praise of their latest product. But I guess since that’s not argument you were debating it’s not really important, now is it? And really, isn’t that what good debate is about? Saying whatever the hell you feel like about someone else whilst calling them names and generally insulting the intelligence of the audience?

Yes, but only if you truly believe it is.

One can only assume that the term “infidels” was already taken by some other a-hole blogger.↩
Interestingly enough, Shafer is refered to as an “Apple cynic”, which is, I assume, far worse than being merely an “iPhone doubter”. To be a cynic of Apple is, well, just fucking Communist!↩
Answer: John Gruber is an iPhone doubter.↩

Tags: Apple, iPhone, Things That Suck
Posted in Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

Terrible Shopping Experience at the Apple Store

Sunday, May 27th, 2007

In 2001 Apple entered the retail market with the Apple Store, a one stop shopping mecca of all things shiny and geekily delicious. What began with two stores, in Glendale California and McLean Virginia, has since become an international phenomenon. Apple Stores are eagerly awaited, and are greeted with the kind of fanfare that is generally more typical of a blockbuster movie premiere, except with slightly fewer stupid pirate costumes.

These Apple Stores have defined themselves by their amazingly minimalist design aesthetic. They’re as beautiful as a retail store could be, and just as functional. Helpful nerds in t-shirts and sandals would help answer your questions and get you the information you needed. The products were laid out in a well organized manner that made it easy to find what you wanted. They were a pleasure to shop at.

That is, up until last week when I went to the my local Apple Store to buy a pair of headphones. I walk in and the first thing I notice is that they’ve changed the layout of the store. Word on the street was that they were going to be remodeling so I wasn’t all that shocked. I figured the headphones would be in the back, and sure enough they were. I grab the headphones I wanted and turned to my left.

NERDS!!!!!

That’s the Genius Bar, where people can line up and ask questions, like “Do I need to plug the iPod into the computer to download songs to it?”, and Apple Geniuses, dudes with rudimentary computer skills, can provide them with answers.

Well, I didn’t need that. So I turned to my left again.

Two things not indigenous to an Apple Store: video games and someone who actually knows anything about computers.

That’s the great wall of software. All kinds of Mac programs. Like Photoshop. And Photoshop Elements.

That doesn’t help me much, so I turn to my left again.

I should have just walked my ass out of there.

That’s where I came in from. There are a bunch of awesome computers and iPods there for me to play with, but that won’t help me purchase my headphones any faster.

So I turn to the left again.

That chick at the bottom is having a great shopping experience too. Great job Apple!

And I’m back where I started. Hey, look at that, THERE ARE NO CASH REGISTERS IN THE APPLE STORE! Yeah, that’s right, no registers.

So I grab one of the clerks who’s shuttling back and forth and ask, “How do I pay for this?” The smart alec clerk responds, “With money.”

Let me stop for a moment and mention that this is the first time in years that I’ve actually wanted to punch a sales clerk in the face (one day I’ll tell you about the last time).

So I take a deep breath and reply, “No, I mean, where do I pay for this?”

I’m then informed that the sales clerks are equipped with portable transaction units and that any one of them can help me. But not the one I was talking to because she (did I forget to mention she was a she?) was busy helping someone else. So I look around the store, and miraculously, everyone else in the store was busying helping other people. By “helping” I mean they were answering questions and showing off wares, not actually selling anything to anyone.

So I spot the closest sales chick and I wait patiently as she explains to a nice man what printers her could buy for his Mac Mini (short answer: EVERY SINGLE PRINTER IN THE UNIVERSE!). While I’m waiting a lovely older woman walks by, pissed as hell, muttering “How are there no cash registers?” Never in a million years would I think that me and old ladies would have a common foe, so thanks for that Apple Store.

Anyway, after a ridiculous wait the guy finally walks off and the sales person acknowledges that I’m waiting. I hand her the headphones and she starts plugging away at her handheld. She runs my card, and then smacks the side of the handheld. She tells me it’s not working.

Oh, isn’t that just fucking great?!

So then she finds another sales clerk and takes their handheld. She goes through the whole routine again and this time it works. Hurray for Apple. Then she asks if I want the receipt emailed to me. You see, thanks to those hippie bastards at Greenpeace Apple has a giant hard-on for the environment, and they’d rather email you a receipt rather than hand you a paper copy. Except the email address of mine they have on record, which they want to use, is some lame fake email I used once upon a time to sign up for lord knows what. So she asks if I want the email sent to fakeassemail@screwoff.com and I tell her no, just print out the receipt, which means she has to go into the back to get me the receipt. I don’t know what’s in “the back”, but I’m guessing it was a full resort spa because the chick took ten fucking minutes to come back. What the hell?! Though to her credit she did give me one of those nice tote bags which I didn’t want and she didn’t ask me if I wanted.

Now, I could stop right there with my shitty shopping story. But that’s not the end of my nightmare. You see, I get home and try and open the package, which appears to be made of simple cardboard, and discover that it’s actually made of friggin’ adamantium. And glued shut with super glue. And baptized in Satan’s hate.

I summoned forth all of my considerabl man-strength and this is as “open” as my fingers could get the package.

Five minutes, and two cuts on my fingers later, I sawed through the packaging and retrieved my headphones. Which sound great, by the way.

I tried pulling it open from the bottom, but failed. Luckily the industrial strength scissors I bought was able to cut through this bullshit. They also allow for great snowflake cutouts.

So overall, yeah, buying a pair of headphones from the Apple Store is probably the single worst shopping experience I’ve had in years. I’m all for minimalist design, but cash registers are one of those things that you kind of sorta need to have in a store. Steve Jobs, I curse thee!!!!

Tags: Apple, Funny, Things That Suck
Posted in Uncategorized | 24 Comments »

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